Wednesday, October 22, 2008

You might be a commie if...

Here is a link to my latest article on Huffington Post. I got a little mad about being labeled "anti-American" by some McCain surrogates, so I wrote an article about it. And it cost me sleep. Thanks a lot, Nancy Pfotenhauer and Congresswoman Michelle HUACman.

HuffPo: So, You're Anti-American. Is There a Cure?

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

An indication of how creatively fulfilling my day can be.

A long, long one!

So, yes, it's been quite a while since my last post. I didn't even mention that on September 15th, I had the incredible pleasure of meeting Eric Millegan when he performed his cabaret show in NYC. Wendy was kind of enough to not be lazy like I am and post about it here (pic included).

Bottom line: Eric Millegan is an amazingly nice person, and after seeing him in "Bones," his live show and the movie "On_Line" (which I will write about one of these days, but for now, he's pretty damn awesome in it and has a wonderful character resolution), I'm convinced he should be able to do whatever he wants. I also, in the most embarrassing way possible, got him to let me send the Zacksplanation script. I didn't want to, the guy has a life and I didn't want to impose, but he has it. It's completely up to him if he's interested in seeing how I theorized his character during the post-season finale heartmelting shitstorm.

BUT, that all said, I WAS RIGHT. On September 24th, we found out that Zack was not a murderer in "The Perfect Pieces in the Purple Pond." Queen of the Lab.

If you are psychotically inclined enough to read a 60+ page script in pdf form and see what I came up with, click here to read "The Man in the Restaurant." (And Wendy's, "The Man on the Roof," here.) If you watched the episode, you'll find that a lot of my story still holds up, including a theory on why he really joined Gormogon and what could have happened in Iraq. But Wendy and I read the sides to this episode weeks before it aired, and I really caught the forensic linguistics bug. Sweets (John Francis Daley) tries to get Zack to express remorse for the murder, and he said he didn't feel any remorse for that, just the logic. I told Wendy, in my most defeated text message ever, "Well, he can't feel remorse for something he didn't do." Turns out, that was exactly the case. Interestingly enough, they also followed the premise that Zack feels he actually committed the murder by merely letting it happen. In this case, he did lead the killer right to the lobbyist, but that could have just as easily happened in my script too.

Now I'm going to talk about my script as if it was actually legitimate.

What no longer holds (besides my mistake on Hodgins' number of doctorates - he has three, not two - as well as my thought that Zack would never let Sweets analyze him) is when, exactly, Zack was recruited. Going on the pre-revelation plot, Zack had claimed responsibility for killing the lobbyist, so he must have joined up during or before "The Knight on the Grid." In that episode, we clearly saw Zack in the lab with Cam at the time and someone else stab the lobbyist. But if Zack knew about all this enough to admit to the killing, he was clearly in the process of being recruited. My theory was that Zack had been approached, then asked to do the killing, and he couldn't bring himself to do it. Because of that failure, Gormogon recruited another apprentice to carry out the task and kept Zack around to deal with the body parts they were going to mail to people. Gormogon told Zack that not committing this murder meant that he wasn't worthy, and that he would be disposed of without any warning. (Meanwhile, the other apprentice starts getting cocky and Gormogon kills him - that actually was mentioned in "Purple," except that Zack said Gormogon killed the other apprentice so Zack could be recruited; there can only be two. I was, like 3/4 right.)

So that's that. There hasn't been a follow-up on this twist, but how could they leave us hanging with that zinger?

But back to the present. My day can get to be a little, let's say, dry. Wendy and I trade "Bones" theories all day, talk about what we'd like to see, who we think should make out with whom, stuff like that. Since Zack was always my favorite character, I have been trying to figure where the hell they can take him after this Gormogon mess. I think they've ruined this character beyond repair; as he stands now, he's a killer to his friends and locked in the loony bin for life. However, Sweets now knows that Zack is not guilty of the murder that put him there. But still, Zack knows that he's still an accessory to murder, and should that come out, he'll be shipped to prison, where he's rightly afraid to go.

Unless, there's a legal way out of this. I've posited a scenario in which the truth comes out, and since Zack was clearly still out of his head at the time he directed the killer to the lobbyist and subsequently cooperated completely with the FBI and confessed, he somehow works out a shorter sentence in the loony bin followed by probation. Hey, it's TV.

He can't go back to the Jeffersonian. It will never happen. Brennan would surely want him there, but Cam would never allow it. In fact, if this came down to all of them being character witnesses on behalf of Zack, Cam would not bring herself to do it.

Anyway, Brennan eventually helps Zack find a job in research somewhere in the area, and he moves back into the apartment above Hodgins' garage.

Before he's out of the loony bin, though, the team gets a big complicated case. Their newest grad student/intern is a girl that they like a lot. During this imaginary episode, Hodgins is bringing the case to Zack (which was happening in "Purple" and surely must be ILLEGAL, but anyway). Every time Zack suggests something, the girl - we'll call her Lucy (not Daisy) - has already done it. She's really worried about living up to the expectations and feels threatened by the guy she's replacing, of whom they are still asking advice. She, at one point, goes to the loony bin and confronts Zack, telling him that she's perfectly capable of doing this job without his shadow looming over her.

Lucy: Well, maybe I could prove my abilities if I had the chance to submit something that wasn't an addendum to your work.

He's intimidated as hell and finds her attractive. But Zack being Zack, he'd never say so. Except to Hodgins. Later on, Lucy figures out something before Zack can, and Zack tells Brennan, who also visits, that she should hire Lucy, which she does.

A few episodes later, a situation comes up where Lucy is having trouble with something and ends up being under a lot of pressure from Brennan, Cam, everyone. Hodgins tells Zack that she's feeling the heat. Zack takes the opportunity to break out of the loony bin again to help her out.

LUCY: You know, Dr. Addy, Dr. Brennan actually hired me for this job, which means she thinks I'm capable enough on my own.
ZACK: I believe that, I just heard that it was possible you needed another perspective on what you're working on. And you can call me Zack.
LUCY: Dr. Addy, you no longer work here. I do.
ZACK: I know.
LUCY: Actually...what are you even doing here?
ZACK: I know how to leave undetected.
LUCY: You are clearly a very accomplished criminal.
ZACK: I made a mistake. I made a really, really big mistake, and I would do anything to redeem myself to all of these people. Including recommending my own replacement and serving in any way that I can.
LUCY: You recommended me?
ZACK: Yes.
LUCY: I can't believe this.
ZACK: Why? It happened.
LUCY: Is everything I do going to involve you? Is everything going to have to happen because of you? It's like you're going to be half of my life for the rest of my life.
ZACK: You're using superlatives.
LUCY: I'm incredibly pissed.
ZACK: Dr. Brennan had to know that someone was better than I was. So I told her that you were. But I'm still, or was, a very accomplished scientist and I can't help what I see when it's in front of me like this. So, can I please take a look?

So, Lucy lets him help her out. They end up having amazing, scientific, conversational "intercourse," and they come to trust each other.

A major case happens a few weeks later, and Zack and Lucy play a huge role in solving it together, which brings them together. Their relationship is alluded to over the course of a few episodes. Maybe there's one more Zack appearance.

Then, let's say, a few months pass. Lucy doesn't show up for an x-ray with Cam.

Cam: Lucy, I called you like half and hour ago.
Lucy: Sorry, Dr. Saroyan. I had to think about it.
Cam: You had to think about helping me do the x-rays?
Lucy: Yes.
Cam: May I ask why?
Lucy: You can ask, but I won't have an answer for you until I can get a blood test.
Cam: Cut to the chase, please?
Lucy: There is a chance that being near x-rays is harmful to a fetus.
Cam (silent)
Lucy: Or in this case, an embryo.
Cam: You think you're pregnant?
Lucy: I'm almost positive that I am. I'll be positive once I can, well, see a positive result.
Cam: You're pregnant? Zack? Made you pregnant?
Lucy: It usually takes two, Dr. Saroyan.
Cam: Yes, it does.
Lucy: Would you mind drawing blood for me? I'd believe the seven pregnancy tests, but I have a hard time believing that something I bought at Quick Stop is the most appropriate means of informing me that my life has changed forever.
Cam: Certainly!

Zack Addy has gotten a girl pregnant. He doesn't know yet, but...

Brennan and Angela see Lucy and Cam down the hall. Brennan gasps and half-jogs over to them and scares the shit out of Lucy when she says in her ear:

Brennan: You know I can tell, right?
Lucy: I figured you probably could.
Angela: Tell what?
Cam: Are you serious?
Brennan: Her gait is already changing. Is it Zack's?
Lucy: Yes, it's Zack's. He's my only partner. I choose to be monogamous for security reasons. Emotionally.
Angela: Oh my god, are you pregnant?
Cam: Our little Zacky got a girl pregnant.
Brennan: You're not showing yet. You're probably about six to eight weeks. [Note: This might not be accurate, but since it will never happen, indulge me.]
Lucy: The time frame would make sense.
Cam: We're going to test her blood right now.
Brennan: So, are you going to keep it?
Angela: Brennan!
Lucy: It's a reasonable question. I do legally have a choice.
Angela: This is not how these moments are supposed to happen. Lucy - how do you feel about this?
Lucy: Nauseous.
Brennan: That's normal for the first trimester...
Cam: I feel like a proud grandmother.
Angela: How do you feel?
Lucy: I'll have to see how Zack reacts. For the moment, I'm a little bit scared to death.
Cam: If you think you're scared...

Cam and Angela leave. Brennan and Lucy stay for a moment, discuss the case a bit. Then:

Lucy: A woman's gait doesn't change until her 14th week at least.
Brennan: That's correct.
Lucy: How did you know?
Brennan: You throw up at the same time every morning and then eat throughout the day, plus you're wearing looser tops, thinking that you're showing. Which you're not. I was actually...
Lucy: Guessing??
Brennan: I thought I'd pull a once-again on you to find the truth. A little trick I learned from Booth.
Lucy: Once-over.
Brennan: Oh.

So, later on, Lucy receives her blood test result on the platform with Cam - it's positive. Everyone is there, talking over the case, including Sweets, when Zack (now out of the loony bin) rushes in.

BOOTH: What's going on?
HODGINS: There's the man now!
ZACK: How could you possibly text me something like that? You know I can't text back. My fine motor skills are not fully functional enough to allow me to text you back. I would have responded to "FYI - I'm pregnant."
LUCY: I knew you would come here without any hesitation.
ZACK: Are you really?
CAM: Congratulations! It's!

They all look at Lucy and Zack.

ZACK: Now do you believe I've had sex?

Cut to commercial, come back, Zack, Lucy, Angela and Hodgins are in the lounge.

Hodgins: Are you sure it's yours?
Zack: I'm almost positive this is my responsibility. (to Lucy) Is it?
Lucy: I'm 100 percent positive that this is a direct result of our having sexual intercourse.
Angela: Wow, that was really mean, and yet no one was offended.
Lucy: Dr. Brennan was right about the time frame. I'm probably six to eight weeks. Based on my cycle. It's usually all over the map, but I tend not to skip two months.
Angela: And it matches when you guys...
Zack and Lucy: There's no way to keep track.../Almost every single...
Hodgins: Wow. Zack's responsible for creating and destroying human life. How's that for the day's news?
Zack: I'm much happier about this.
Angela: Oh, Zack, you're going to be a dad!
Zack: I'm also much more panicked.
Lucy: I think I have much more to worry about, in the physical sense.
Zack: I agree. I don't envy your position as a childbearer.
Lucy: Thanks for the vote of sympathy.
Zack: It's genuine. I really feel very bad about you pushing a possibly 6-pound human being out of an opening that's normally as wide as a straw. It's really going to hurt.
Lucy: Zack, females are specifically equipped to handle childbirth. I mean, things can go wrong. I could experience a uterine rupture or postpartum hemorrhage from uterine atony or tissue trauma and bleed to death without ever seeing my child. But under normal circumstances, there's no reason to think this is anything but an everyday human occurrence.
Zack: I hope you don't bleed to death.
Angela: Aw, you guys are so romantic.

Booth and Brennan go to a case:

Brennan: You seem to have a problem with Zack impregnating Lucy.
Booth: He procreated, Bones! careless and now there's going to be another Zack.
Brennan: There's no way to tell if their child is going to be anything like them. My parents were both criminals, and look at me.
Booth: What if the Zack Spawn turns out even weirder than Zack? To say nothing of Lucy. She's like Zack in drag.
Brennan: Lucy is not exactly like Zack, she just has the same work ethic. And you should be glad that Zack finally found someone he can relate to on a social, emotional and, evidently, sexual level.
Booth: Do NOT ever talk about Zack's sexual level again.

At one point, Booth and Zack are alone:

Booth: So, doing okay with the ladies these days?
Zack: I suppose this is the ultimate proof of my prowess. At least with Lucy.
Booth: Good. So I can end this forced moment of male bonding?
Zack: By all means.

At the end, they both go to their first doctor's appointment and beam over hearing the heartbeat and seeing the vague little blur that's going to turn into their baby. Awwwww...

So, Wendy and I feel that this scenario would be a really fun, subtle way to have a pregnancy on the show without it taking over the whole thing. Like a sideshow, really. They can make pregnancy jokes, etc. but it won't overtake the case, or the B&B wonderfulness, or the Hodgela.

A few episodes later, Lucy is about six months and they get a case that involves a fetus. She takes it really hard; Zack comes back to help her feel better and offer his opinions on the case, but he also, with this new view on life, has a lot of trouble with it. Cute shots of Zack feeling the baby kicking, attempting to bond ("This is awkward. I'm talking to her abdomen."). Maybe they find fetal bones first, which freaks Lucy out. Then later, they find the mother's remains and Zack finds evidence of foul play on the pelvis, which freaks him out:

Zack: I want to see the living pregnant woman. I'll be right back.

I want Angela and Hodgins to reunite over all of this, by the way.

Then, months later, Lucy is on the verge of delivery. Her belly gets in the way of everything. And the team has to go to court to testify as expert witnesses. Zack goes to give moral support and wants to see Lucy in action. The defense attorney accuses Lucy, individually, of letting hormones get in the way of her analysis. She and the team are all offended, but she lets it loose on the defense and wins it for the prosecution in a long, detailed explanation that dazzles everyone in the room. When she is dismissed, she tells the judge to take a 15-minute recess, perhaps more - her water just broke while on the stand.

Lucy gives birth and Zack sees her in a whole new light, to say nothing of his daughter. All he can do is stare at the both of them, and the whole team is just over the moon happy for the new family. Zack goes to Angela:

Zack: I want it to be very difficult, legally, for her to leave me.
Angela: That makes it sound like you want to lock her up in prison.
Zack: That's certainly not an image I'd like to conjure up.
Angela: I didn't think so.
Zack: That's why I came to you and not Dr. Brennan.
Angela: Smart.
Zack: That's me.


Zack: I think it would be appropriate to be legally bound to each other.
Lucy: You want to get married?
Zack: I can't see the logic in leaving either one of you. I could never do it. I mean, I'm sure I physically could, but then the hope would be to return. All the time.
Lucy: Did you feel that way about me before she was here?
Zack: Yes.
Lucy: Okay.
Zack: So, you'll marry me?
Lucy: I'm not changing my last name.
Zack: I don't see how that would affect our actual relationship anyway.
Lucy: Good.
Zack (after a pause): Mrs. Addy is my mother.
Lucy: Yeah.
Zack: And my grandmother. She's dead.
Lucy: Yup.
Zack: Please don't change your last name.
Lucy: Wasn't planning on it.

Here now everyone thought I was romantically autistic.

I definitely need to think of more Hodgins stuff. He needs my undivided attention. But there's a whole week of work ahead of me. You never know what can happen.

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