"I Don't Know What That Means" for April 22, 2008

This is my new semi-regular feature, based on a commonly-spoken line on "Bones" by Emily Deschanel's character, who has no connection to pop culture. As someone who gave up on MTV pretty much right after Pedro Zamora died and has spent the past three years in a newsy, politicky bubble, I can relate.

This week's edition: "Gossip Girl." Who are these people and why are their names so weird? What happened in the late 1980s that all these pretty young things have the goshdamn whacked names? If it was one of them, I wouldn't think it was all that odd, but it's like all of them: Blake Lively (a girl), Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford (who looks like a girl), Taylor Momsen, Penn Badgley.

Great. Now I sound like my mother. "Why can't they have normal names, like from the Bible?" You know, like Nicodemus and Zebedee. And I should really just shut the hell up, what with my boy's first name and unpronouncable German last name.

At least "Gossip Girl" is a scripted show with buzz, because what I really missed the boat on was "The Hills," which is listed as a "Documentary/Drama" on IMDb, and has now just officially caused me to consider ending my account there. Now, I might actually hate these people, and that makes me feel bad, because I don't know them personally at all. But I know at least one of them is ruining the life of Jossip's David Hauslaib. They're all over everything, and I have no idea why. I had one of my best friends, a guy like a brother to me, a guy whose taste and knowledge in pop culture I value tremendously, tell me what this was all about and then I realized he has actually fucking watched it.

Apparently, it's the "real-life version of 'The OC' in real life." "!!!!" But "The OC" ended last year. But since I can't give up IMDb, I just found out that the first "real-life version of the real-life OC" was "Laguna Beach," which started in 2004, a year after the fictional TV show. Oh, well that would make sense. What doesn't make sense is how these people, whose time in the spotlight should have ended once the original reason for their existence was removed from the air, have continued to make themselves matter in every tabloid, every blog, every celebrity media outlet, as if they'd contributed something to society that reached beyond being blonde and privileged.

But I guess that would be too much to ask, since in this age of reality television and YouTube, everyone deserves to be famous for something for a little while. I think I'd feel like an asshole if I was famous just for being Spencer Pratt, though. In fact, I think I might actually kill myself. After I kill him. No, scratch that. I want Spencer Pratt to live knowing that he's so much of a douchebag that people died unpleasantly because of it. And no, I'm not gonna boldface his name until he does something.