So I'm stupid and I'm gonna die.

Yes, I am one of those people who always has a bottle of water with them, measuring out 64 oz. of water a day like some obssessive-compulsive freak. But now it seems like I've been pissing my life away. No, like actually pissing my life away, and possibly inviting carcinogens into the body I've been faithfully hydrating since high school.

This is not super recent, but here's the link to the CBS News story. And here's their bullshit-o-meter:

• It cleans all the toxins in your body. FALSE: Apparently we have organs in our bodies called kidneys that take care of this. Who knew? I thought they were just for punching.
• Your body weight divided by two - that's how many ounces you should be drinking. FALSE: They don't even know where this came from. I think Lewis Black does. He says once we had to buy water in bottles, that's when we had to drink as much as flingin'-flangin' possible.
• It improves skin tone and prevents headaches. I'm calling shenanigans on this "falsehood," because if I don't drink water after drinking alcohol, my skin looks like hell and my head feels the same way. Did they mean in general? Oh.

But this is not all. The bottle I use to drink too much water is now allegedly going to give me cancer, make me fat (!) or wreck my baby-making parts:

Highly durable and lightweight, resistant to stains and odors, and able to withstand extremes of hot and cold, screw-cap Nalgene bottles are marketed as an environmentally responsible substitute for disposable water bottles.

Citing multiple studies in the United States, Europe and Japan, the chemicals industry maintains that polycarbonate bottles contain little BPA and leach traces considered too low to harm humans.

But critics point to an influx of animal studies linking low doses to a wide variety of ailments — from breast and prostate cancer, obesity and hyperactivity, to miscarriages and other reproductive failures.

Who are the anti-water ad wizards who came up with this one? Even worse, the apple I had today was crappy. It was a crapple. Booo...no good.