Flummoxology

Seriously, Iowa!

2009-04-03T11:02:00.003-04:00

So, I'm a very, very, very ardent supporter of marriage equality and as a New Yorker, I've been really excited to find out that my home state is very close to granting equal rights to every couple in the state.

But I had no idea that IOWA, a state that sounds like a yawn (no offense, Iowans), would beat us to the punch! Their State Supreme Court ruled - unanimously - that denying marriage rights to homosexual couples is unconstitutional. It is. I've written about it before on HuffPo on several occasions. But I'm so happy for Iowa and its previously segregated citizens, and it's a very good day to be an American.

Other stuff:

*Five more workdays until my week off!
*I'm getting more (ink) work done on my back, which will look awesome but suck to have done. (It will both tickle and be painful. Boooo.)
*I have officially started my screenplay! Finally! I started outlining it last August, finished the outline in October, and it had been sitting in my head for months before I finally bucked up this week and started writing. I also wrote three sketches that I really like and have ideas for at least three more.

You know when someone tells a joke and then the moment after is awkwardly long and silent?

2009-04-02T11:09:00.003-04:00

That's how I feel about my last post. Generally, you don't want to make jokes about tragic death and then follow it up with nothing. Which is what I did. Sorry about that. I'll try to be better about updating, all none of you.

In other news, I would have totally posted this had I not been so busy at work (NGthPTH - I think that's how you spell a snort), but the funny people who are employed with Jimmy Fallon beat me to it (and also read Huffington Post's comedy page).

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon: Ohio Man Busted for Riding Motorized Barstool Drunk, a phrase I think is actually redundant. Is there any other circumstance under which to drive a motorized barstool?

Natasha Richardson's first post-mortem role

2009-03-23T14:00:00.002-04:00

My unofficial audition for "The Onion"

NEW YORK - Paparazzi swarmed an upstate New York cemetary to cover the most pivotal role of late actress Natasha Richardson's lifetime - her death. Her funeral, starring husband Liam Neeson, mother Vanessa Redgrave and "Nip/Tuck"'s Joely Richardson and several other famous friends and family members, was the talk of the town as cameras captured the most genuine performances by these acclaimed performers.

"I've seen funeral scenes in movies before, but this was so real," said one photographer who was able to snap both of Richardson's children crying. "You hear about actors drawing from real emotions, but this was just crazy. Oscar crazy."

Neeson was seen waving to cameras outside the funeral procession in between comforting his young sons and in-laws. His demeanor was described as "grief-stricken and drawn - like in that movie he did that time."

Photographers were dismayed to find out they did not have access to the wake, held in New York City earlier in the week, citing that the family clearly did not want spoilers leaked. Or just wanted time to grieve in private.

******************

Um, yeah. Vultures.

Finally, a week off!

2009-03-19T11:08:00.003-04:00

I'll be taking a week off from work the week after Easter, and I really cannot wait. I'm very, very excited. I plan on getting a lot of work done, shooting things if I can get the resources, sleeping in, hanging out late, spending a lot of time with people without worrying about waking up at 6:00 the next day.

I'm also going to be getting new headshots done since I was lucky enough to find someone who can do a full 2-hour package for just $200. (They usually go for at the very least $300-$600, and while it might be wise to spend the money and invest, it's a freaking recession. This is what I can do. The portfolio looks good to me and I can definitely swing $200 for this much of a package. Here's to hoping my skin stays clear. But once I get these done, provided they don't suck like my last headshots did (word of advice: don't get headshots done the day before a presidential election if Bush is running for re-election), I can finally start going on auditions. That scares me, but in a good way.

My acting class ends next week, so this means I can finally get back to the gym and get back to writing! (Until I start the SNL writing class for which I am on the waiting list. Holy crap, am I looking forward to that!)

Good things are happening!

HuffPo: An Open Letter to Andy Samberg on his Hosting Gig

2009-03-17T16:13:00.003-04:00

As promised, here is a link to my latest on HuffPo, an open letter to Andy Samberg (and Jorma Taccone and Akiva Shaffer):

HuffPo: An Open Letter to Andy Samberg on his Hosting Gig

I think it's going to be great, and I'm so psyched for him. My friends and I are all doing sketches in Internet obscurity and it's so exciting to see a similar group like The Lonely Island break out like this. It's not even jealousy, it's just pure admiration.

I don't even care how corny it must look to blatantly pitch material on HuffPo. I could not pass up the chance.

I'm hoping to get picked up by the official TLI blog, which picked up my last HuffPo mentioning the Dudes.

No more dirty laundry, just productive things worth reading about.

2009-03-17T11:16:00.002-04:00

It's spring cleaning time! It's also St. Patrick's Day, but I'm not Irish. I'm descended from all the other whitest countries in Europe (primarily German and France), but not Ireland.

Anyway, I'm going to be limiting my posts to my creative pursuits and not my boring personal life. I actually deleted a post that discussed stuff I really don't need to be sharing. Nothing embarrassing nor imcriminating, just not of the interest of anyone else.

All anyone needs to know is that I'm going to be a writer on SNL, and this is my journey.

An attempt at a return! Plus: New Mission

2009-03-16T16:00:00.003-04:00

So, I did find one person concerned with my well-being as a result of my absence from Flummoxology. I've been really busy, angsty, etc. lately and just haven't been able to find the time, mostly because when I blog, I go all-out and include links, photos, video and that takes a while to put together.

However, I'm going to try to update this a bit more often now that I'm blogging on a semi-regular basis at "The Huffington Post," and I noticed that I have a "follower." (Thanks, by the way!)

I'm still writing about "Bones" and continue to be the show's Number 1 Unofficial HuffPo PR Lady. I'm getting back into film and television and am now officially bent on becoming a writer for "Saturday Night Live." It's been a dream of mine since I was a teenager, and I honestly can't see myself doing anything else right now. I'm going to start posting sketches here and on HuffPo if they're good. Who knows? I could probably swing performing on that show one day too!

One thing I'm working on is a "vlog" series and I have a couple of sketches I really want to shoot soon. I've been dying to start a site called "Do I Look Fat in These Shorts?" and just post what I've shot and written.

But basically, I'm getting the feeling that I'm becoming a bit more visible these days and it looks bad to have a blog that hasn't been updated in months.

My next HuffPo piece is going to be an open letter to Andy Samberg, who will be hosting the MTV Movie Awards this year, which means I'm going to watch for the first time since Jimmy Fallon hosted. I think. I can't even remember. But Samberg and his Lonely Island buddies, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Shaffer are such a wicked team and now everyone with basic cable is going to know who they are. (They got their big break writing for Jimmy Fallon's hosting gig - the last time I watched. They are truly magic.)

I hope everyone enjoys this journey with me!

With all the animals Sarah Palin has proudly shot from a helicopter...

2008-11-20T13:53:00.006-05:00

...I'm a little let down that she didn't make this calendar of decked out, fur-covered female conservative columnists.

The Clare Booth Luce Society, to which I will not link, because I have serious problems with fur, let alone conservative commentators wearing fur, has released a calendar "celebrating smart, conservative women role models...with flair."

There are so many problems with this that I can't even concentrate enough on it because of a slight hangover. But maybe that's the reason I think Ann Coulter made out the best out of this crew. Some of them just look really uncomfortable.

Susan Phalen: "Do I stroke it? Do you want me to stroke it? I consider that deviant behavior. I told you that accepting homosexuality in this country would lead to bestiality...Can I keep this?"

Ick. Though why would they leave out Monica Crowley? I actually like her. And how would a calendar of 12 dudes sell? Twelve conservative men...with flair!

Joe Scarborough, Tucker Carlson, Pat Buchanan...rowr...

It's morning in America.

2008-11-05T13:31:00.003-05:00

President-Elect Barack Obama.

I really like it. And come January 20th, I'll like President Obama even more. An amazing late birthday present.

Before I talk about the unbelievable victory of Barack Obama, Wendy Young of Obsessed With Bones and my Zacksplanation partner in crime (and a mommy to be!) was kind enough to overlook our political differences and give me my first ever blogging award!

Thanks so much Wendy, and I also hope that more joint projects are in store, Bones-related or not!

I'm going to gush now, if that's cool.

I spent the evening in Brooklyn, first at my friend Pete's apartment then the bunch of us headed over to find a bar that wasn't filled to capacity. We ended up at Union Hall, and had to wait, but it was worth it. What an amazing night.

As I got drinks for us (Paul's treat, God bless him), they called Ohio for Obama. A HUGE win. That was when I started feeling optimistic, an upgrade from cautiously optimistic. When he hit 200 electoral votes, it was even better. You could feel the energy of Union Hall swelling. It was looking good.

And then it exploded.

Union Hall screamed - the west coast polls had closed, and they were calling the election for Barack Obama.

"NBC News projects that Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States."

The electoral votes just kept pouring in - a landslide.

I screamed my voice away. It still hurts. I feel like it must have been a dream. We didn't even want to leave the bar in fear that it might not be real on the outside. But it was. People were still screaming in Brooklyn. Honking their horns. Singing the "Star-Spangled Banner" from a balcony.

I'll never forget Election Night 2008 or the feeling that's lasted into the following day. I'm not even upset about getting to sleep at 3:30 AM, only to wake up in just under three hours. I'll sleep well tonight, and probably for the next four years at least.

Just wow.

But California, Arizona and Florida voters should be ashamed of themselves for voting to ban gay marriage. California especially. Your own governor voted against it. It was a clear ploy by bigoted religious extremists to play politics with love. How dare you. Words cannot tell you how angry I am.

You might be a commie if...

2008-10-22T16:45:00.002-04:00

Here is a link to my latest article on Huffington Post. I got a little mad about being labeled "anti-American" by some McCain surrogates, so I wrote an article about it. And it cost me sleep. Thanks a lot, Nancy Pfotenhauer and Congresswoman Michelle HUACman.

HuffPo: So, You're Anti-American. Is There a Cure?

An indication of how creatively fulfilling my day can be.

2008-10-12T22:45:00.010-04:00

A long, long one!

So, yes, it's been quite a while since my last post. I didn't even mention that on September 15th, I had the incredible pleasure of meeting Eric Millegan when he performed his cabaret show in NYC. Wendy was kind of enough to not be lazy like I am and post about it here (pic included).

Bottom line: Eric Millegan is an amazingly nice person, and after seeing him in "Bones," his live show and the movie "On_Line" (which I will write about one of these days, but for now, he's pretty damn awesome in it and has a wonderful character resolution), I'm convinced he should be able to do whatever he wants. I also, in the most embarrassing way possible, got him to let me send the Zacksplanation script. I didn't want to, the guy has a life and I didn't want to impose, but he has it. It's completely up to him if he's interested in seeing how I theorized his character during the post-season finale heartmelting shitstorm.

BUT, that all said, I WAS RIGHT. On September 24th, we found out that Zack was not a murderer in "The Perfect Pieces in the Purple Pond." Queen of the Lab.

If you are psychotically inclined enough to read a 60+ page script in pdf form and see what I came up with, click here to read "The Man in the Restaurant." (And Wendy's, "The Man on the Roof," here.) If you watched the episode, you'll find that a lot of my story still holds up, including a theory on why he really joined Gormogon and what could have happened in Iraq. But Wendy and I read the sides to this episode weeks before it aired, and I really caught the forensic linguistics bug. Sweets (John Francis Daley) tries to get Zack to express remorse for the murder, and he said he didn't feel any remorse for that, just the logic. I told Wendy, in my most defeated text message ever, "Well, he can't feel remorse for something he didn't do." Turns out, that was exactly the case. Interestingly enough, they also followed the premise that Zack feels he actually committed the murder by merely letting it happen. In this case, he did lead the killer right to the lobbyist, but that could have just as easily happened in my script too.

Now I'm going to talk about my script as if it was actually legitimate.

What no longer holds (besides my mistake on Hodgins' number of doctorates - he has three, not two - as well as my thought that Zack would never let Sweets analyze him) is when, exactly, Zack was recruited. Going on the pre-revelation plot, Zack had claimed responsibility for killing the lobbyist, so he must have joined up during or before "The Knight on the Grid." In that episode, we clearly saw Zack in the lab with Cam at the time and someone else stab the lobbyist. But if Zack knew about all this enough to admit to the killing, he was clearly in the process of being recruited. My theory was that Zack had been approached, then asked to do the killing, and he couldn't bring himself to do it. Because of that failure, Gormogon recruited another apprentice to carry out the task and kept Zack around to deal with the body parts they were going to mail to people. Gormogon told Zack that not committing this murder meant that he wasn't worthy, and that he would be disposed of without any warning. (Meanwhile, the other apprentice starts getting cocky and Gormogon kills him - that actually was mentioned in "Purple," except that Zack said Gormogon killed the other apprentice so Zack could be recruited; there can only be two. I was, like 3/4 right.)

So that's that. There hasn't been a follow-up on this twist, but how could they leave us hanging with that zinger?

But back to the present. My day can get to be a little, let's say, dry. Wendy and I trade "Bones" theories all day, talk about what we'd like to see, who we think should make out with whom, stuff like that. Since Zack was always my favorite character, I have been trying to figure where the hell they can take him after this Gormogon mess. I think they've ruined this character beyond repair; as he stands now, he's a killer to his friends and locked in the loony bin for life. However, Sweets now knows that Zack is not guilty of the murder that put him there. But still, Zack knows that he's still an accessory to murder, and should that come out, he'll be shipped to prison, where he's rightly afraid to go.

Unless, there's a legal way out of this. I've posited a scenario in which the truth comes out, and since Zack was clearly still out of his head at the time he directed the killer to the lobbyist and subsequently cooperated completely with the FBI and confessed, he somehow works out a shorter sentence in the loony bin followed by probation. Hey, it's TV.

He can't go back to the Jeffersonian. It will never happen. Brennan would surely want him there, but Cam would never allow it. In fact, if this came down to all of them being character witnesses on behalf of Zack, Cam would not bring herself to do it.

Anyway, Brennan eventually helps Zack find a job in research somewhere in the area, and he moves back into the apartment above Hodgins' garage.

Before he's out of the loony bin, though, the team gets a big complicated case. Their newest grad student/intern is a girl that they like a lot. During this imaginary episode, Hodgins is bringing the case to Zack (which was happening in "Purple" and surely must be ILLEGAL, but anyway). Every time Zack suggests something, the girl - we'll call her Lucy (not Daisy) - has already done it. She's really worried about living up to the expectations and feels threatened by the guy she's replacing, of whom they are still asking advice. She, at one point, goes to the loony bin and confronts Zack, telling him that she's perfectly capable of doing this job without his shadow looming over her.

Lucy: Well, maybe I could prove my abilities if I had the chance to submit something that wasn't an addendum to your work.

He's intimidated as hell and finds her attractive. But Zack being Zack, he'd never say so. Except to Hodgins. Later on, Lucy figures out something before Zack can, and Zack tells Brennan, who also visits, that she should hire Lucy, which she does.

A few episodes later, a situation comes up where Lucy is having trouble with something and ends up being under a lot of pressure from Brennan, Cam, everyone. Hodgins tells Zack that she's feeling the heat. Zack takes the opportunity to break out of the loony bin again to help her out.

LUCY: You know, Dr. Addy, Dr. Brennan actually hired me for this job, which means she thinks I'm capable enough on my own.
ZACK: I believe that, I just heard that it was possible you needed another perspective on what you're working on. And you can call me Zack.
LUCY: Dr. Addy, you no longer work here. I do.
ZACK: I know.
LUCY: Actually...what are you even doing here?
ZACK: I know how to leave undetected.
LUCY: You are clearly a very accomplished criminal.
ZACK: I made a mistake. I made a really, really big mistake, and I would do anything to redeem myself to all of these people. Including recommending my own replacement and serving in any way that I can.
LUCY: You recommended me?
ZACK: Yes.
LUCY: I can't believe this.
ZACK: Why? It happened.
LUCY: Is everything I do going to involve you? Is everything going to have to happen because of you? It's like you're going to be half of my life for the rest of my life.
ZACK: You're using superlatives.
LUCY: I'm incredibly pissed.
ZACK: Dr. Brennan had to know that someone was better than I was. So I told her that you were. But I'm still, or was, a very accomplished scientist and I can't help what I see when it's in front of me like this. So, can I please take a look?

So, Lucy lets him help her out. They end up having amazing, scientific, conversational "intercourse," and they come to trust each other.

A major case happens a few weeks later, and Zack and Lucy play a huge role in solving it together, which brings them together. Their relationship is alluded to over the course of a few episodes. Maybe there's one more Zack appearance.

Then, let's say, a few months pass. Lucy doesn't show up for an x-ray with Cam.

Cam: Lucy, I called you like half and hour ago.
Lucy: Sorry, Dr. Saroyan. I had to think about it.
Cam: You had to think about helping me do the x-rays?
Lucy: Yes.
Cam: May I ask why?
Lucy: You can ask, but I won't have an answer for you until I can get a blood test.
Cam: Cut to the chase, please?
Lucy: There is a chance that being near x-rays is harmful to a fetus.
Cam (silent)
Lucy: Or in this case, an embryo.
Cam: You think you're pregnant?
Lucy: I'm almost positive that I am. I'll be positive once I can, well, see a positive result.
Cam: You're pregnant? Zack? Made you pregnant?
Lucy: It usually takes two, Dr. Saroyan.
Cam: Yes, it does.
Lucy: Would you mind drawing blood for me? I'd believe the seven pregnancy tests, but I have a hard time believing that something I bought at Quick Stop is the most appropriate means of informing me that my life has changed forever.
Cam: Certainly!

Zack Addy has gotten a girl pregnant. He doesn't know yet, but...

Brennan and Angela see Lucy and Cam down the hall. Brennan gasps and half-jogs over to them and scares the shit out of Lucy when she says in her ear:

Brennan: You know I can tell, right?
Lucy: I figured you probably could.
Angela: Tell what?
Cam: Are you serious?
Brennan: Her gait is already changing. Is it Zack's?
Lucy: Yes, it's Zack's. He's my only partner. I choose to be monogamous for security reasons. Emotionally.
Angela: Oh my god, are you pregnant?
Cam: Our little Zacky got a girl pregnant.
Brennan: You're not showing yet. You're probably about six to eight weeks. [Note: This might not be accurate, but since it will never happen, indulge me.]
Lucy: The time frame would make sense.
Cam: We're going to test her blood right now.
Brennan: So, are you going to keep it?
Angela: Brennan!
Lucy: It's a reasonable question. I do legally have a choice.
Angela: This is not how these moments are supposed to happen. Lucy - how do you feel about this?
Lucy: Nauseous.
Brennan: That's normal for the first trimester...
Cam: I feel like a proud grandmother.
Angela: How do you feel?
Lucy: I'll have to see how Zack reacts. For the moment, I'm a little bit scared to death.
Cam: If you think you're scared...

Cam and Angela leave. Brennan and Lucy stay for a moment, discuss the case a bit. Then:

Lucy: A woman's gait doesn't change until her 14th week at least.
Brennan: That's correct.
Lucy: How did you know?
Brennan: You throw up at the same time every morning and then eat throughout the day, plus you're wearing looser tops, thinking that you're showing. Which you're not. I was actually...
Lucy: Guessing??
Brennan: I thought I'd pull a once-again on you to find the truth. A little trick I learned from Booth.
Lucy: Once-over.
Brennan: Oh.

So, later on, Lucy receives her blood test result on the platform with Cam - it's positive. Everyone is there, talking over the case, including Sweets, when Zack (now out of the loony bin) rushes in.

BOOTH: What's going on?
HODGINS: There's the man now!
ZACK: How could you possibly text me something like that? You know I can't text back. My fine motor skills are not fully functional enough to allow me to text you back. I would have responded to "FYI - I'm pregnant."
LUCY: I knew you would come here without any hesitation.
ZACK: Are you really?
CAM: Congratulations! It's a...baby!

They all look at Lucy and Zack.

ZACK: Now do you believe I've had sex?

Cut to commercial, come back, Zack, Lucy, Angela and Hodgins are in the lounge.

Hodgins: Are you sure it's yours?
Zack: I'm almost positive this is my responsibility. (to Lucy) Is it?
Lucy: I'm 100 percent positive that this is a direct result of our having sexual intercourse.
Angela: Wow, that was really mean, and yet no one was offended.
Lucy: Dr. Brennan was right about the time frame. I'm probably six to eight weeks. Based on my cycle. It's usually all over the map, but I tend not to skip two months.
Angela: And it matches when you guys...
Zack and Lucy: There's no way to keep track.../Almost every single...
Hodgins: Wow. Zack's responsible for creating and destroying human life. How's that for the day's news?
Zack: I'm much happier about this.
Angela: Oh, Zack, you're going to be a dad!
Zack: I'm also much more panicked.
Lucy: I think I have much more to worry about, in the physical sense.
Zack: I agree. I don't envy your position as a childbearer.
Lucy: Thanks for the vote of sympathy.
Zack: It's genuine. I really feel very bad about you pushing a possibly 6-pound human being out of an opening that's normally as wide as a straw. It's really going to hurt.
Lucy: Zack, females are specifically equipped to handle childbirth. I mean, things can go wrong. I could experience a uterine rupture or postpartum hemorrhage from uterine atony or tissue trauma and bleed to death without ever seeing my child. But under normal circumstances, there's no reason to think this is anything but an everyday human occurrence.
Zack: I hope you don't bleed to death.
Angela: Aw, you guys are so romantic.

Booth and Brennan go to a case:

Brennan: You seem to have a problem with Zack impregnating Lucy.
Booth: He procreated, Bones! Zack...got careless and now there's going to be another Zack.
Brennan: There's no way to tell if their child is going to be anything like them. My parents were both criminals, and look at me.
Booth: What if the Zack Spawn turns out even weirder than Zack? To say nothing of Lucy. She's like Zack in drag.
Brennan: Lucy is not exactly like Zack, she just has the same work ethic. And you should be glad that Zack finally found someone he can relate to on a social, emotional and, evidently, sexual level.
Booth: Do NOT ever talk about Zack's sexual level again.

At one point, Booth and Zack are alone:

Booth: So, doing okay with the ladies these days?
Zack: I suppose this is the ultimate proof of my prowess. At least with Lucy.
Booth: Good. So I can end this forced moment of male bonding?
Zack: By all means.

At the end, they both go to their first doctor's appointment and beam over hearing the heartbeat and seeing the vague little blur that's going to turn into their baby. Awwwww...

So, Wendy and I feel that this scenario would be a really fun, subtle way to have a pregnancy on the show without it taking over the whole thing. Like a sideshow, really. They can make pregnancy jokes, etc. but it won't overtake the case, or the B&B wonderfulness, or the Hodgela.

A few episodes later, Lucy is about six months and they get a case that involves a fetus. She takes it really hard; Zack comes back to help her feel better and offer his opinions on the case, but he also, with this new view on life, has a lot of trouble with it. Cute shots of Zack feeling the baby kicking, attempting to bond ("This is awkward. I'm talking to her abdomen."). Maybe they find fetal bones first, which freaks Lucy out. Then later, they find the mother's remains and Zack finds evidence of foul play on the pelvis, which freaks him out:

Zack: I want to see the living pregnant woman. I'll be right back.

I want Angela and Hodgins to reunite over all of this, by the way.

Then, months later, Lucy is on the verge of delivery. Her belly gets in the way of everything. And the team has to go to court to testify as expert witnesses. Zack goes to give moral support and wants to see Lucy in action. The defense attorney accuses Lucy, individually, of letting hormones get in the way of her analysis. She and the team are all offended, but she lets it loose on the defense and wins it for the prosecution in a long, detailed explanation that dazzles everyone in the room. When she is dismissed, she tells the judge to take a 15-minute recess, perhaps more - her water just broke while on the stand.

Lucy gives birth and Zack sees her in a whole new light, to say nothing of his daughter. All he can do is stare at the both of them, and the whole team is just over the moon happy for the new family. Zack goes to Angela:

Zack: I want it to be very difficult, legally, for her to leave me.
Angela: That makes it sound like you want to lock her up in prison.
Zack: That's certainly not an image I'd like to conjure up.
Angela: I didn't think so.
Zack: That's why I came to you and not Dr. Brennan.
Angela: Smart.
Zack: That's me.

Later:

Zack: I think it would be appropriate to be legally bound to each other.
Lucy: You want to get married?
Zack: I can't see the logic in leaving either one of you. I could never do it. I mean, I'm sure I physically could, but then the hope would be to return. All the time.
Lucy: Did you feel that way about me before she was here?
Zack: Yes.
Lucy: Okay.
Zack: So, you'll marry me?
Lucy: I'm not changing my last name.
Zack: I don't see how that would affect our actual relationship anyway.
Lucy: Good.
Zack (after a pause): Mrs. Addy is my mother.
Lucy: Yeah.
Zack: And my grandmother. She's dead.
Lucy: Yup.
Zack: Please don't change your last name.
Lucy: Wasn't planning on it.

Here now everyone thought I was romantically autistic.

I definitely need to think of more Hodgins stuff. He needs my undivided attention. But there's a whole week of work ahead of me. You never know what can happen.

Awesome developments: GHOSTBUSTERS 3!!!!

2008-09-05T08:46:00.005-04:00

Okay, if there was anything I love more than "Bones," the NY Giants or life and love itself, it's the Ghostbusters franchise.

And now, they've officially announced that a third installment will indeed be produced!!

It will be developed by two writers'producers of "The Office," who have already gained the trust of original Ghostbusters writer/actor Harold Ramis. Good. Enough. For. Me.

I hereby begin my pointless campaign to beg them to let me be a Ghostbuster. Please. I'm begging you. I would be excellent, I promise. At least let me be an extra. I'd pay them to be in it. Seriously, it would be a dream come true. Don't you want to make someone's dream come true? I mean, I'm not dying or anything, but I would be an awesome Ghostbuster. Wouldn't you rather have someone in your cast who had a Dan Aykroyd-like knowledge and appreciation of the Ghostbusters story?

Okay, if you don't want to take the chance on me, then please consider a couple of possible other casting choices. (Professional, legitimate actors who have been in actual things.)

Eric Millegan: Was downgraded to recurring/guest status on the show "Bones." He's already played a genius, and he could easily play another one. He's funny, he can do the $10 words, and he should be much more well-known than he is, because he's also a really, really good actor.

TJ Thyne: Another "Bones" guy, he's got the Bill Murray/Peter Venkman smoothness down. Also comfortable with the science jargon, he's one of the most recognizable faces out there and can do physical comedy. He's also, in my opinion, sex on a stick. So is Millegan, in my opinion.

I go into it all more here.

Okay, so, the only headshots I have are from four years ago, and while I haven't changed much at all in that time, the shots were taken the day before Election Day 2004 and I wasn't even sure what to do with them or why I was spending the money on them at all. So they suck. But I can assure you, I am, at the very least, cute. I've done sketch comedy in NYC for years and have taken one hardcore acting class. I might be about as qualified as Sarah Palin is to be VP, but if you look at it another way, I'm also about as qualified as Barack Obama - in the way that he's clearly more up to the job and trustworthy.

But if you want to cast an equally funny woman with experience, I get it.

I implore you though, Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg - don't fuck this up.

Operation: Zacksplanation is go for launch.

2008-08-26T23:42:00.005-04:00

Updated 8/29: You can now read my script...right here!

"The Man in the Restaurant"

And Wendy's equally intriguing (and completely different!) script is here: "The Man on the Roof"

Coming soon: Another version of the script - with commentary! Featuring my very own chicken scratch and Red Pen treatment!

********************************

The day has come. Or at least it will in about 18 minutes, probably by the time I finish typing.

My link is not quite ready, but soon Wendy Young from Obsessed With Bones and I will be unleashing our fan scripts dealing with the "Zack Situation" on "Bones."

I'm not going to tell you too much, because I want you to read it first. But I can tell you that this was written as an "episode," meaning it could logically follow the season finale's events by a few months. (Of course, Season 4 has already started filming and has followed its own plot, but anyway...) I can also tell you that it deals with several aspects of Zack's story that were never explored, never mentioned, and probably never even considered. But aside from this being a completely unofficial, fan-written story, there is nothing fantastical going on here. In "The Man in the Restaurant," you will not find Booth in a delirious state, you will not see Patrick Duffy exiting the decontamination shower, and Zack will not be waking up next to Suzanne Pleshette.

Until I can update tomorrow night, please visit www.ObsessedWithBones.com to download my script in pdf format. I will post a more comprehensive summary tomorrow, including a list of the very important people who helped me write this.

In the meantime, I thank Eric Millegan (who celebrated his birthday this Monday!) for creating such a great character that his undoing also undid my writer's block. I wish I hadn't had to write this at all, but if a good story can come out of it (and if it means that Eric is free to do more storytelling himself), maybe this hostage situation of a script was worth it after all.

I also thank Wendy, a fantastic writer who was crazy enough to go along with this cockamamie idea. This was a fun ride, and it's been such a pleasure writing with you!

Also: Stay tuned for a HuffPo on fan-fiction later this week, including another version of my script with "commentary." How self-indulgent, I know. Equal parts sharing the storytelling process and defending my sanity.

I am going to have to be a basketball fan now.

2008-08-19T22:16:00.007-04:00

At no time in my entire life have I ever been good at sports. Only this year did I finally grasp and become excited about football. (Don't even start me on the Giants winning the Super Bowl...I almost tattooed XLII on my person in celebration.) But even for years, I will almost always sit down and watch a basketball game. The stats make me a little dizzy and I'm in it mostly for the lean arms, but after watching Kobe Bryant and Team USA beat down everyone in its path at the Olympics, I may seriously have to pick a team and follow them.

Like football, watching basketball is as entertaining as watching an amazing ensemble of actors play off each other to tell a story. Something I'm picking up in acting class is "playing a scene to win." Currently, I'm in a scene in which I think I win, but I ultimately am quite a huge loser. But when my scene partner and I are up there watching, listening and waiting for the other, it feels exhilarating and crazy. I have to think that players on basketball and football teams have to do the same exact thing - watch, listen and wait. Then react. There's an awareness of the outside without connecting to things external to you and your team. While my scene partner and I are both playing to win and one of us loses, we are both competing for the same goal - telling the damn story the way it bloody well should be. The same way a sports team is competing to top their opponent. It's awesome. I don't get it from baseball as much, but I do get it from hockey. I definitely don't get it from golf. I really can't take golf.

Sounds like I just discovered the freaking thing, doesn't it? Welcome to Earth, Jamie. By the way - it's a sphere.

But it's official: I love basketball. I may never, ever, ever be able to play it and I may never learn the stats, but in the meantime, I'm going to sit back and watch some amazing teamwork. And sets of arms. (I'm talking to you, Dwight Howard.)

He's 23. It's wrong...

Also, I have the same birthday as this awesome fellow, Dwyane Wade:

Go USA!

But I really hope this means I don't have to be a Knicks fan. I'm a New Yorker all the way, everyday, but the Knicks just suck. Maybe I'll just be a Knicks fan because Madison Square Garden is so convenient, and after all these years as a non-jock nerd/dumpee, maybe I should just be used to rejection and defeat. What do you think? Help! I can't make a decision!

"I love it when you two impersonate earthlings."

2008-08-18T13:59:00.003-04:00

Doing absolutely nothing for my case of convincing my loved ones that my sanity is in tact after a "Bones"-centric spring and summer, I started rewatching Season 1. Holy crap, this is such a great show. It's almost frustrating, even aside from how Season 3 ended. Because "Bones" makes everything else on TV look like crap in comparison.

The script I've written for Operation: Zackplanation has been registered with the WGA and will be unleashed on the Interwebs August 27th, one week from Wednesday. In between will be an announcement on Searching Bones and a podcast soon after the release. Wendy and I will be letting you in on some information beforehand, but since we really want them read, we're not letting on too much. I've gotten excellent feedback from my friends on mine, and I've also read Wendy's - and they are insanely different! I really think fans of the show will be psyched for this.

Meanwhile, as I mentioned, I've been defending my mental state all summer. Yeah, I got so affected by a whackadoo storyline on a TV show that I spent my summer outlining, writing, rewriting, researching and - literally - going back to school to write this script. But I'm not gonna front - it's been fun.

And I'm so glad it's over.

"The Man in the Restaurant" - Bones "Episode" 4.53ish. (Not really.)

2008-08-14T08:51:00.002-04:00

My draft is ready! I have a final draft of my "Bones" script, "The Man in the Restaurant" written, rewritten, fed-back, and edited to within an inch of its life. Wendy and I are set to unleash these things in about two weeks pending possible additional feedback from a VIP, whose identity I will reveal only if said VIP is able to give us said feedback. Otherwise, you'll have to live in suspense.

More info to come, but I've also read Wendy's script, and I can assure all of you "Bones" fans that you will be loving our two takes on the Zacksplanation!

Stay tuned!

A puffer? For me?

2008-08-10T17:40:00.002-04:00

So, all the feeling like crap last weekend was manageable until about Thursday, when I officially developed a barking cough. I skipped my class in favor of sleeping, thinking I would go to the doctor in the morning and go to work.

Yeah, didn't happen. Friday morning I woke up and could barely breathe. And the barking cough remained. So, that would be bronchitis, which I don't think I've had since I was a kid. But my throat from Thursday into Friday actually felt like someone was wringing my neck. I was issued a real live inhaler, antibiotics and cough medicine to go with the decongestants and Tylenol I was already downing. Now, none of these things alone will put your head in a fog, but all put together? And sick already? I basically slept all day Friday and Saturday. (And never used the inhaler. But Friday morning I totally would have.)

But today I was feeling good enough to shoot a movie for my buddy James, which is a really good thing because it had already been delayed for two months. So I got to have scary zombie makeup and corn syrup splattered all over me and then pretty much just walk across James' lawn and try to make him cry. Awesome.

And I'm putting finishing touches on my "Bones" script, on which I've gotten no feedback on the thing as a whole, but will be getting some tonight from my friend Jake and hopefully some more from others by tomorrow.

And by "getting some" I meant feedback.

Draft 1 Finished! Also, I'm seriously a mess.

2008-08-05T16:01:00.004-04:00

Can I tell you about my weekend for a second?

Friday night, I attended a screening for the Ghouligans, a comedy venture created by my good friend Mike. I usually don't go out on Friday nights because I'm most likely dead tired. I did this time, and I probably should have stayed home, except we had a great time and I would have regretted missing it a lot.

Saturday morning, I was awakened by the worst charley horse EVER. I honestly wanted to gnaw my own leg off with my teeth and be done with it, and it even made me sob and verbalize. It ended up leaving behind an entire yanked calf that had me limping like House. Meanwhile, I was morning-phlegmmier than usual and had a wicked headache.

So, I was off to a great start.

Then, I went to pick up the wig I was going to wear to play Lilly in my friend's new show "PB&J." I was told immediately that I was the perfect candidate for extensions, that my hair was doing nothing for me, that my hair was basically crap and going gray...

We were also holding a Slacker TV BBQ at a beach park that day. It was thundering when I got home, then it started pouring rain. The outdoor BBQ in the tree/lightening rod-filled picnic area was ON! I went. I felt like crap, but I went. The rain stopped as soon as we finished building a rain shelter, and by then I had progressed to feeling like shit. But I got to murder a crippled CD player:

Jamie Smashes CD Player (Slacker TV BBQ '08)

Then I went home and fell asleep with my Zacksplanation script open, unfinished and taunting. I finally finished that sucker after dinner - 62 pages. Just slightly overlong, but officially the first full-length script I had completed in ten years. I'll be editing that tonight and Wendy and I will soon unleash these things on the "Bones" fan community.

Not over yet!

Sunday I woke up with a full-blown cold - sore throat, clogged nose, weird, awful buzzy headache. But we had a shoot in Brooklyn for "PB&J"! No way was I missing my first day as Lilly, plus we were going to Coney Island, the day was gorgeous, and I had no lines, so there was no reason to slack off this time. The day was awesome. I came home and fell asleep at 11:00 and slept clean through my alarm the next morning. I had also stubbed my toe so bad during the shoot that it looked like someone tried to torture it, but you can't even tell on camera. But then my co-star Jaime and I went on an amazing journey throughout the Prospect Park area of Brooklyn looking for an open pharmacy - on a Sunday. Oops.

That was my weekend. It rocked. I was pumped the whole time for other reasons, but it was really a great, awesome time.

On thinking I have any place at all to discuss fashion.

2008-07-30T11:01:00.002-04:00

While I'm not the most fashionable person in the world, I can claim at least a moderately developed ability to dress myself properly on a daily basis.

I'm also a hypocrite. When I was a teenager, I swore I would never wear bell bottoms. Well, they rose back to power in the late 1990s and I was forced to give in to trends and wear them. I still wear flares to this day. (They look the best with my legs and hips - sue me.) Then, about four years ago, I swore I would never wear those ugly-ass jersey gauchos. Guess what? Owned about six pairs of them at one point. I wore them recently and realized they looked ridiculous on me. And must have definitely looked just as bad then. No, they did look stupid.

Things that looked stupid the first time and are reincarnated as the same thing - because gauchos will always be fucking gauchos - look stupid the next time, too. "These aren't your mother's bell bottoms!" Yes. Yes, they are. It's why you brought them back. I've seen completely contradictory copy: "The new and improved design is a better take on the free-wheeling look of decades past." Two spreads later: "Like pictures in an old photo album, this retro-reliable look never got old." Fuck you. I'm not an idiot.

Now leggings are back. I really, really swore I'd never wear them. The last time I'd worn them was in seventh grade (1992-1993), when they were going out of style and the only appropriate thing to wear them with were babydoll dresses and/or denim shorts. I wasn't bold enough to wear either; I was more concerned with not being noticed by people so they wouldn't bark at me or call me horrible names. (I ended up wearing both a couple of years later when, naturally, they went out of style.)

When I started seeing girls wearing them at Hofstra two years ago, I had to remind myself that those girls were maybe five when they were in style the first time. They never had to contend with the baggy knees, the perfect slouch socks and requisite Keds sneakers (sometimes imitators with blue tabs drawn on the back with a Bic pen), and making sure your sweater/sweatshirt/flannel was long enough to cover your butt. And by the way - don't have chicken legs. Like I did.

But this time around, leggings were different. That's what the claim was. Banish the thought of baggy socks - leggings were meant to cover legs while showing them off, so wear them with sandals, heels and flats. And as opposed to the mushroom look we were going for in the '80s and '90s, it was "tunics" and fitted dresses going over these supposedly "different" leggings. True, it was an entirely different look. But still - leggings?

Apparently, the baggy knee thing has been resolved with different designs and materials. No, really.

Well, first I said "NEVER." Then I said "Only as tights during the winter, with boots." You can see where this is going...

I'm a whore for trends. I will resist for a while, but don't you worry. By the time they go out of style, I will catch on.

My name is Jamie, and I own two pairs of leggings.

"Bones" progress finally made.

2008-07-28T11:07:00.002-04:00

I finally - finally - started writing my Zacksplanation script this weekend, albeit last night. Saturday was spent in East Hampton rehearsing with my scene partner from acting class (who actualy lives in Phildelphia - so, two people with preposterous commutes to NYC) and Sunday was gray, wet and loud, so I did some housecleaning and found my piano.

After dinner, I finally got over the "white page shakes" and went on to write 28 pages of a 60-page script. Had I started that afternoon, I could have easily finished. I'll probably get the chance tomorrow night to do just that, completing my first draft, then going over it to make sure it doesn't completely blow.

I never heard back from any forensic experts. I'm disappointed but not surprised, what with them having actual jobs of importance and time sensitivity. (BTW, the professor from my previous post apologized to me after I sent him a tersely worded response. Now I'm wondering if I should also apologize for being such a bitch.)

But it's making good progress. The second half of my script deals with the actual Zacksplanation and the character Zack Addy, and this is the part I have the most confidence in. Writing for characters that fans of the show love so much, namely Booth and Brennan, is a bit daunting. I don't know if fans will be reading this expecting a completely typical, consistent episode or if they'll be excited to read an episode-formatted version of my Zack theory.

I guess we'll find out. Headlines of the future: "Bones" Fan, Writer, Burned At Stake.

Asshole of the Day!

2008-07-23T23:07:00.004-04:00

In writing my script for Operation: Zacksplanation, I have been running scared from the scientific aspects about which I have only very crude knowledge. Wendy was kind enough to point me to a directory of registered forensic anthropologists that included email addresses for pretty much all of them. At the bottom of the page was an option to send an email to everyone on the list, plus a fun graphic of a skeleton and the apparent promise that "someone will bite!"

I sent an email this morning, explaining that while I can't pay them, and I know they have much more pressing things to do with their time (such as being a forensic anthropologist) than help me with my fan-fic-gone-too-far, some technical advice would be really swell. I always worry a bit when I send emails like this because who am I to ask these accomplished people to spare schmucky little me some of their time and wisdom? I have no credibility, and there's no reason to respond to such a request. But I'm told again and again, the worst that could happen is they say "no."

Well, one of them flat-out scolded me for even asking:

Do you expect busy forensic anthropologists to set aside their time for your projects? Most of us work 65 - 80 hour weeks. And you offer this proposal without any comment about what you plan to pay these experts within their different research areas of forensic anthropology? Please think again about your expectations. Do you request these favors from physicians, military officers, business men and women, school teachers and other persons devoting their lives to their professions and for whom time is a critical factor?

For one thing, the subject line was "(Unpaid) Consulting for 'Bones' fan script," so that was pretty clear right off the bat. For another, I made it clear in my email that I know they have rather important jobs. And for yet another thing, I have contacted several people asking for technical advice and they actually have obliged and provided me very useful information. (Even when I would tell them what I was working on may never be published.)

And if his time is so fucking precious, why didn't he just delete my email and be done with it? He seemed to have plenty of time to condescend to me. Douchebag.

Yay! I didn't sound that pretentious! My "Bones" interview

2008-07-22T23:47:00.004-04:00

I use a lot of big words when I write and speak, so sometimes I feel like I come off as a rather pretentious bitch. But I just listened to the interview I conducted with the unofficial official podcast for my favorite show "Bones" - the Bonecast - and I didn't sound that stupid! So click here to listen to my interview and the rest of the podcast to see what's going on This Week in "Bones." The hosts are Lindsey, who runs the Anti-Boneyard and Wendy, who runs Obsessed With Bones and also happens to be my writing partner in Operation: Zacksplanation, the script project we are writing for fans of the show who were displeased with the season finale. We have starkly different theories, mainly whether or not Zack could kill and why or why not, respectively. My story stems from this obscenely long post that I wrote a few days post-finale. (Seriously, only the brave and eyestrain-immune need enter. I may have snapped the tiniest bit that day. I can tell you that for real, I couldn't cry for a month afterwards.)

So take a listen and see what you think. Namely, how bad my accent is. I'm competing with a Canadian and a Southerner, so it's quite a crew.

I have changed quite a bit since high school.

2008-07-18T12:03:00.004-04:00

So, my acting class is getting interesting. Moving beyond just repeating each other, now we're adding activities, or rather very difficult tasks, that may direct our focus from our scene partners elsewhere. Last night, I was not the one performing the task; it was up to me to observe her behavior and respond. Except after doing it the typical way (with me coming into the scene with the intent to borrow an item), I was told (without my partner's knowledge) that not only did I loan her $100 (which she knew about), but she also boinked my (imaginary) boyfriend.

A digression: Having a boyfriend is so low on my priority list right now that I couldn't even come up with a guy's name, any guy's name, when asked "What's his name?" I honestly came up completely blank. So they decided on Jack for me. I'd like to think that in this little parallel, imaginary universe, my boyfriend was Jack Hodgins from "Bones." Years ago, I used to name imaginary boyfriends (in writing, lies, etc.) TJ after my first real, serious crush. Ironically, Josck Hodgins is played by TJ Thyne. And yet in my imaginary world, which I created myself, he still fucked me over.

Anyway, the scene got really heated. I've acted before, even though it was just a matter of knowing my lines and saying them with some semblance of feeling. But I know what it's like to get in a zone while performing. I've also been in one-acts that feature a lot of escalating tension which result in a bit of an outburst. But this was way beyond that. Five more minutes and I would have been crying, for real. My blood was boiling. Why? Because I got fucked over last summer. I wasn't cheated on as much as I was expediently replaced. By a skank. And I never got to yell at her. This scene was my chance to ring her figurative neck. It was awesome.

So thanks, asshole, for treating me like shit and seeing the skank. It will make for some really emotional acting for me.

ETA: Due to circumstances beyond my control (i.e., life), I wrote this one over the course of a couple of days, so my title doesn't make sense. I had meant to go into how shy I was in school, how much of a passive nerd I was then, and how I'm not one now. Point being, you grow up and learn to stop caring what other people think, and some of us grow up and want to provoke other people to feel certain things. That's why I'm a writer and why I'm trying to be an actress. I hope I'll get to do both, but right now, I'm glad I'm the person I'd wanted to be ten years ago. (For the most part.) Peace.

How I became a "Bones" fan and then had my heart ripped out of my chest.

2008-07-16T22:07:00.005-04:00

I just finished listening to the "Bones" podcast on Wendy's domain-a-rific Obsessed With Bones blog, which is recorded by Wendy and the Anti-Boneyard's Lindsey following the Monday night broadcast of the show. As I have been mentioning, I have an acting class Monday and Thursday nights, but this week was especially frustrating since "The Boy in the Time Capsule" was one of three episodes that was new to me.

I will never forget the cracked-out moment when I had watched Seasons 1 and 2 on DVD, then, like a junkie, went straight to my computer and watched the first six episodes of Season 3. Then, I remembered that despite being unemployed at the time, I had a life to live. I'll watch the last three episodes the next day. The next day...

...they were gone. Wow. I cannot describe the helplessness that I felt. I may have gotten the junkie shakes. All this as the show was coming back from the strike, I was just learning about all these amazing characters and their stories - and now I had to wait for new episodes to air like everyone else. I ended up having to express myself in writing, and thus, my first Entertainment blog on Huffington Post was born.

Then came the spoilers. And they were all about my favorite character, Zack. Why had Zack become my favorite character? Well, if you don't mind me narcissistically linking to all of my own blogs, it was the Egon Factor. I like the intellectuals, the quirky ones, the nerds. Zack and Hodgins had the funniest lines, but Zack was the unexpectedly funny one. He was funny because he was always unintentionally funny - honest. So, imagine my concern when all the spoilers come out, and they're all about Zack. And they're talking about looking for a new forensic anthropologist. And Eric Millegan is not on the Season 4 cast list. What's up with that? So, I asked him, and he obviously couldn't answer me, but he was able to tell me that not being able to tell people was "horrible." (By the way, Entertainment Weekly seemed to have found my article so compelling that they wrote their own version all but two weeks later. I'm not as mad as I am frustrated that they should really just hire me.)

Anyway, with all the Gormogon speculation abound, I kind of had no idea what they were talking about. I'd seen "The Widow's Son in the Windshield" and "The Intern in the Incinerator," but not "The Knight on the Grid." And for some reason, the former two didn't get me all riled up about Gormogon, except when Hodgins at some point brought up the Armin Meiwes case, better known as the German cannibal who advertised in the paper for a "dinner guest." (Best line by Zack: "Someone responded to the ad?" As in, sure, cannibalism is weird, advertising for a victim is weird, but someone actually responding is all kinds of fucked up. I like when Zack jumps to a few logical steps ahead, but also how he will stay on discussions that ended five minutes ago. Like the beets in "The Baby in the Bough.") That case is part of every ethics 101 class offered in every university everywhere. And it's fascinating.

By the way, I will be reposting that article on the cannibal with running commentary as soon as humanly possible. It's kind of hilarious.

And also, by the way, Zack was grossed out by that. He said, "That's disturbing." I'm just saying.

So you can probably predict that when the season 3 finale finally rolled around, I wasn't too thrilled. Which is why I'm now having serious angst over a spec script that explains the whole experience away.

But in other news, "The Boy in the Time Capsule" was one of my favorite episodes ever. Because I was a nerd back in the day, and this was all about sad nerds. The victim was a nerd, one of his friends was a nerd, and as it turns out, Brennan and all the squints were also nerds. And while I'm adamantly against Booth and Brennan hooking up, there were some really, really sweet moments between them in this episode. I loved the squints turning the tables and making fun of Booth for being "one of those guys" (the jock), especially Hodgins' revenge (and comments about learning anatomy from Barbie: "I was so confused for years"). But I could relate to Brennan being humiliated by a guy in school for being "brainy." I wasn't, but I was a drama geek. More freaky than brainy. And Booth's move at the end - and his attempts to give Brennan a humiliating story of his own throughout - were just what a former nerd wants to hear.

New episode of "Bones"! (For me, at least.)

2008-07-15T10:58:00.004-04:00

For as big of a "Bones" fan as I am, all two of you might be surprised to know that I didn't watch the show until this past March. As a result, I missed three episodes that have not appeared online until now, when they aired as reruns. This proved to be incredibly frustrating during spoiler season since so much information about the killer Gormagon was presented in next week's rerun, "The Knight on the Grid." This week was "The Boy in the Time Capsule," which I also missed, and I'll finally get to watch that one tonight.

None of this "new" evidence will convince me that Zack Addy should have ended up as Gormagon's apprentice, but the writers had noe even made the decision until after the strike, and that first returning episode was "The Verdict in the Story." Pre-"Verdict," Zack's really underused and comes off as much different than the Zack of previous seasons, reason obviously being Iraq. In last week's rerun, "The Intern in the Incinerator," a line that Wendy said supported her Zacksplanation seemed to illuminate Zack's feeling of being unnecessary:

"I was being precise. You used to appreciate that."

Now, as I mentioned, Wendy and I are mostly blind to what is taking place in each other's scripts. But I'll definitely say that Zack's post-Iraq behavior is pretty consistent with PTSD. It's clear the writers wanted to address this, then, soooooo regrettably, let it fall by the wayside after the strike. Such a casualty.

"Nnnnnnnnuts!"

2008-07-12T11:28:00.005-04:00

One of the few pitfalls I've found of having a full-time job plus a busy extra-curricular schedule that requires a looooong commute via car (as opposed to concentration-free public transportation) is that I don't get many chances to watch the news. As a result, I almost completely missed the Jesse Jackson "nuts" fun and the prudish mainstream media's attempts to dance around a word I've heard first-graders say since I was a first-grader myself. Jesse Jackson said "nuts"! He was referring to Barack Obama's testicles! Heavens to betsy! That's why, this morning, I thank Huffington Post's Roy Sekoff for just fucking saying it.

Also, my thoughts are with the family of former White House Press Secretary and Fox News commentator Tony Snow, who passed away this morning after what was truly a well-fought battle with cancer. Say what you will about his conservative leanings, opinions and support - he was well-liked by the press, and by me. He was a guy with a young family and a legitimate editorial and intellectual background, so even if you didn't like what he was saying, he knew what he was talking about. I wanted him to win, but he really never let his illness get the better of him. He continued to work and proved to all of us that a serious cancer diagnosis does not mean an automatic end to your livelihood. I liked Tony Snow, and I will miss his commentary. He was great opposition research.

Sound advice: Don't use your teeth as a vice.

2008-07-11T08:59:00.003-04:00

For my acting class, a Meisner class, we were asked to complete a task to be completed while doing the "repetition exercise." In that exercise, you're repeating whatever your scene partner says until something happens. And if that sounds vague, it should. To those of us Type A personalities who analyze, adhere to logic and yearn to go back and edit ourselves, the repetition exercise is designed to break us of our somewhat compulsive habits and teach us to live moment to moment and put 100% of our focus on everything besides us, mostly our scene partner. For example, if my scene partner says my flip flops look sloppy, I would say "Fuck you," and then he or she would say, "Someone is testy today." The point is, each line makes progress; we don't stay focused on my sloppy-ass flip flops. You know, like a real live conversation - it moves.

This week, we added a task. I decided to bring in an Erector Set. I have little patience for tiny, tiny pieces and hate doing things that need to be precise because I rarely get it right on the first try. I was told there was nothing at stake in building a thingie from an Erector set, but I honestly think I learned that it's very hard to focus on something intricate while trying to acknowledge someone else in the scene. And I also am insistent when it comes to finishing a task with a clear result. I was seriously considering leaving the room once I was done to finish what I started, but alas, my incompleted project still sits in the box at home.

Anyway, one of the more frustrating things was using what I had in front of me and nothing else. So I used my front teeth as a vice. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I'm not as damaged as Jim Carrey's famous chip above, but it's sharp and annoying, and I will have to get my big English teeth fixed. It's subtle, I don't think I'll need a cap, but still. Stupid.

Other than that, acting is fun. And I'm more resourceful than I thought.

Getting fingers to keys is the goal of the day.

2008-07-09T11:11:00.004-04:00

I haven't talked about my writing ventures much lately, especially the really cool, semi-obsessive "Bones" project I'm doing with Wendy from Obsessed With Bones. We were both kind of disappointed in the season finale this year (probably me more than her, as demonstrated in the "Windbagger") As a result, we both came up with different (very different) theories on what went wrong with Zack Addy (Eric Millegan) that caused him to join forces with a cannibalistic serial killer. True - the logical argument was a premise that Zack could support: Killing those who would do harm to preserve the human experience as a whole. But actually following through and committing murder? Wendy believes it's possible, I do not. She's taking a psychological perspective, I'm subscribing to a cocktail of PTSD, Asperger's and forensic linguistics.

We've been emailing back and forth on our progress, our setbacks, our trepidations, and the parts of which we're the most proud. Both of us really like our stories. Now, with a July 31st deadline looming, it's a matter of execution. I expressed this morning that I feel like I'm not writing enough in character, that my "dialogue" so far is more what I want them to talk about and not what these characters would actually say. I also have a lot of expository dialogue, and it's going to be a challenge to "show" and not "tell." In a procedural drama, I would think there's a bit of leeway with this, but I'm not going to put crap out there. I feel like this is the ultimate exercise in screenwriting by getting inside the heads of existing characters, and holy crap, what if the impossible happens and someone involved with "Bones" actually reads it? I mean, it's always possible, right?

Either way, I'll be posting on it more as the deadline nears.

In the meantime, keep reading!

Double-U Review: "Wall-E" and "Wanted"

2008-07-06T13:05:00.003-04:00

It was a washout for Will Smith Weekend (aka 4th of July weekend) on the East coast, so I spent my Saturday with my buddies at the movie theater. If you're going to sit on your ass all day, do it while seeing excellent movies.

In short, I loved both "Wanted" and "Wall-E." For those of you who don't like Angelina Jolie, she's actually not all over the movie. She's a key (and good) supporting character, but don't let all the celebrity overshadow a really fun part. The man to watch, however, is James McAvoy.

My friends and I were comparing him (mostly his character) to Topher Grace and Ewan McGregor, and I've decided that I want a boy like McAvoy. Accent optional. In short, he was excellent and kicked a great deal of ass.

What I also thought was interesting was that the premise on which the movie is based is the same exact premise used to write Eric Millegan off of "Bones" - killing those who do harm to preserve the human experience as a whole. Hmm, I wonder if Zack Addy had been killing people alongside Angelina Jolie instead of creepy old Gormagon if we all would have been as upset. But then there's the circular logic-go-round that if a secret society was formed to kill members of secret societies, then, wouldn't they all have to kill themselves?...

See "Wanted."

Then hop into another theater and see "Wall-E."

I've found that people either love or hate this movie. I am a lover. The first half or so of the movie had hardly any dialogue at all, but it couldn't have been any other way, really. Not one for cheesy romantic dialogue myself (especially not since a guy on the subway said he reminded me of the Penguin - "You know, from Batman? Ever see that movie?"), it was really sweet to watch the love story take place sheerly from one party reacting to the other and either becoming more curious, more skeptical, and eventually attracted to each other. It was really cute. I would agree with all the Charlie Chaplin comparisons.

I don't want to say too much about the latter part, except that it's a rude awakening. Pixar was kind enough to show us our descendents' destiny if we continue on the path we're currently travelling. "It's funny cuz it's true" will be your mantra.

I will also say that while "Wall-E" is indeed a four-star movie, the funniest part came courtesy of a kid in the audience who felt compelled to go "Wheeeeee!" when a robot fell from a skyscraper.

"Wheeeeeee!"

I'm going to pray that I make it through this week.

Chuck Todd, much like light, is both a particle and a wave.

2008-07-02T16:53:00.003-04:00

Forget Bill Braskey. NBC Political Director Chuck Todd can do everything Bill Braskey did better, and also thought of it before Bill did. Also:

Chuck Todd knows another word for "thesaurus".

God wonders whether Chuck Todd really exists.

Nostradamus wrote over 30 quatrains that many scholars believe predicted the birth of Chuck Todd.

Chuck Todd can save you hundreds of dollars on your car insurance.

Do yourself a favor: Visit ChuckToddFacts.com. I have already purchased the t-shirt. So has Chuck Todd.

Because all potential black presidents, real or fake, look alike.

2008-07-02T11:09:00.004-04:00

Alright, the subtle craziness that came out of Dennis Haysbert was not that he said he feels he helped pave the way for people to believe a black man could be president (he played saintly President David Palmer on "24"). I actually agree with his premise. And it wasn't even that people were asking him to run. No, it was this quote (emphasis mine):

Haysbert, 54, said he recently stopped for dinner south of Los Angeles with his daughter in Dana Point, Calif., a town he described as "very wealthy, very white and very Republican."

"I go into this little restaurant with that demographic and a lady comes up to me and says, `You know, I want to vote for you,'" he said. "I don't know if it is a joke or that people just like to say those things. But to me, for them to say it out loud means they are thinking about it."

It might be a joke, but it sounds like she thinks Dennis Haysbert is actually Barack Obama. Unless she has Alzheimer's, she's an idiot, and a little bit racist. Why didn't anyone point that out?

Welcome home, Jack Scarborough!

2008-07-01T13:00:00.003-04:00

I'm a big fan of MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, political differences aside. I think he's a great host, funny, smart and I'd wake up at 3 AM to work for him if I ever had the chance.

He and his wife welcomed a baby boy, Jack, in May, but since he was premature, he's just coming home now. As someone who wants desperately to be a mom, I can't imagine how scary this must have been, living minute by minute for Jack to get himself ready for the world. My best wishes to the whole Scarborough family, and to baby Jack!

Notes on a Monday.

2008-06-30T17:12:00.002-04:00

*I'm going to catalog my tattoos, once and for all. Because when you tell people you have "15 or 16," that's bad. I should have them accounted for.

*Just saw "Harold and Maude" over the weekend. Bought it today. It's the perfect movie. And I would have done anything to see the musical, which starred the perfectly cast Eric Millegan. (Whose web site is down! Fix it! We heart you!)

*A short week: Only two days of classes, then "Wanted" on Wednesday. Then no class on Thursday and the day off Friday. Yay!

*Made progress on the screenplay, thought of an awful, awful working title that doesn't fit the vibe at all. I won't share it.

*My last day of class with Michael Showalter is tomorrow. This makes me sad, but it was one of the best things I ever did.

S'all for now!

Ooo, hopefully I'm not the only one psyched about this

2008-06-27T08:52:00.002-04:00

Anyone who has ever been unemployed for any amount of time supports the theory that "Law & Order," any of them, is probably on TV on some channel at any given time during the day. Each of them have evolved into their own little niche within the franchise, and some of us have our favorites. And for NY-based actors, it's the show you can usually get on your resume. (Do I want to be on one? Yes. But not as a rape victim. I would rather play a techie or something.) And nearly everyone you've ever seen on TV or in a movie has had a bit part on one of the shows. I'm not even going to link, because you already know what I'm talking about.

But this is a fun, fun casting decision if ever I saw one: Jeff Goldblum.

I love Jeff Goldblum. I love his quirky weirdness, and I'm very excited about catching all those reruns in a marathon that will cost me a weekend.

Don't think I'm weird, please.

2008-06-26T11:08:00.003-04:00

I had a dream right before waking up (and nearly missing my alarm clock) that scared the shit out of me. I was riding a bike through my neighborhood and kept seeing pools of blood. Then I started seeing these huge massive things hung from trees, couldn't tell what they were, until I got close to one. And it turned out they were all slaughtered cows. Then I rode past this nasty punkass guy who was taunting a live bull with a huge dagger and cutting it. Right before I woke up to a really crappy song on the radio, I screamed (like screamed) for him to stop.

Good morning, sunshine!

I did a little Googling for dream interpretation and found this:

From Hyperdictionary:

Meaning of SLAUGHTERHOUSE: Seeing or dreaming that you are in a slaughterhouse, suggests that you may need to compromise an aspect of yourself in order to move ahead.

And from Dream Moods Dictionary:

Cow:

To see a cow in your dream, signifies your obedience to authority without question. It symbolizes your passive and docile nature. Alternatively, it represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for. For some cultures, the cow represents divine qualities of fertility, nourishment and motherhood.

...

To see a herd of cows, indicates your need to belong.

So, I guess if the cows are slaughtered, I'm averse to authority and aggressive, and don't want to be cared for, and in addition, I need to compromise something in order to move on. Makes perfect sense, and a fine example of "showing" rather than "telling" as far as completely demented storytelling goes. Thank you, subconscious.

Burning the candle at both ends and loving it.

2008-06-26T09:03:00.002-04:00

So, it's been a wild couple of weeks, and it will likely stay that way through the summer. But it's all good. No class is fun in the beginning (with the exception of Michael Showalter's screenwriting class, which was amazing from Day 1), and that's how the acting class is going, but it's just the beginning of a 10-week adventure into learning how to think with my gut.

But honestly, I'm such a Type A/logical-rationally thinking person that this class makes me feel like I have Asperger's.

Here's my typical week though: Monday through Thursday, drive 35 miles in morning rush hour to work, wait for interesting people to email me all day, drive to a nearby food joint to by dinner to be consumed in transit (eating at a table would be divine) while driving in evening rush hour to Manhattan, park my car in midtown, take the subway to Columbus Circle, swoon at the fact that I'm in Columbus Circle on a summer evening, walk to class, listen to people repeat each other for three hours, take the subway back to my car, drive back home after finally making it through Manhattan, finally crash at about 1:00 AM. Wake up at 6:30 the next day and do it all again!

And I can never seem to just get there and get home. There's always a freaking issue.

Or an idiot leering at me on the subway platform who decides in his mind that the most effective way to start a conversation with a woman after 10:00 PM would be to tell her she reminds him of the Penguin. "From Batman! Ever see that movie? You know, because of the umbrella!" Yeah. Perfect. Recommended to all men. Please, boys, try this. It totally works. So does randomly saying to a woman on the street in a really seedy manner, "Hey baby, looking good..." Lo, my heart hath been overcome.

Too tired/lazy to post them all: Blog-Off Wrap-Up

2008-06-21T20:13:00.002-04:00

So, last night was the first night all week I got to come home after work. It felt amazing. I fell asleep before 11:00 PM and got to sleep until whenever I wanted. Which was about 9:00 AM this morning. Ahhhhhh...take it in. I'll share.

The Blog-Off seems to have went well! I had quite a few posts up there, and some people were kind enough to leave comments. I'll let you know how much money was raised for the Actor's Fund. And if "Bones" creator Hart Hanson read any of my ass-kissing love letters to him. My guess is no.

But since I'm too lazy to post the rest of my links, you can visit these links to read them on Searching Bones. And muchas gracias, merci, danke to Lynn, who runs the site and invited me to post!

The Egon Factor: Why I Love the Squints

"I'll Never Let Go, Zack! I'll Never Let Go!"

Bones and Booth: Don't Hook Them Up!

Homework for Season 4

Wendy and Jamie Concur: Hart Hanson Needs a Virtual Hug

Bones & Booth: Don't Hook Them Up!

2008-06-20T16:18:00.002-04:00

Another helping from the Blog-Off, posted today.

And suddenly, a lot of people don't like me anymore.

Here is my rationale for not letting Brennan and Booth become a couple.

First of all, in TV land, it's storyline suicide. Look at "Moonlighting." Once that tension and chemistry was resolved, the show went downhill. A steep hill. It was a warning to "X-Files" creator Chris Carter, who smartly kept Mulder and Scully platonic throughout the series. (You guys may remember the "Bones" pilot, in which Booth cited plainly, "I'm Mulder, you're Scully." Take. This. To. Heart/Hart.) We already have Hodgins and Angela playing the Ross and Rachel roles of "will they, won't they," even though in their case it's a matter of "will they ever marry" and not "will they ever be together."

But we don't need more drama with these two. It's not unheard of to have platonic relationships between a man and a woman who find each other attractive, have great respect for each other, and clearly have a lot of chemistry. I know this, because I have a best guy friend. He's like my brother, except that we flirt. So, like a step-brother that you technically could hook up with, but it would be so wrong if you actually did. In TV land, the kiss from Season 3 was a great experiment. It was executed perfectly in the context of the show and the relationship between Bones and Booth. And sometimes, in real life, things happen between two people who swear they'd never hook up. But it doesn't always happen, and maybe that's what needs to be proven on TV. And I think "Bones" has just the right attitude and tone to maintain the platonic relationship between these two.

Besides the professional risks, I just don't see Bones and Booth as a couple. That doesn't mean that there is something missing in their relationship. The only thing that could be considered missing is that one extra step. But that step is just that: extra. It's a bonus. You may find someone with whom you have the greatest rapport, the most comfort, the most trust and the greatest mutual respect...but if you're satisfied with that, that's okay!

Take Hodgins and Angela, one of the most believable, organic TV workplace romances ever. They had a rapport, were comfortable with each other, trusted each other and respected each other...but they were also attracted to each other. I remember watching Seasons 1 and 2, knowing they would eventually hook up, and by the end of Season 1, it was clear that something was happening. It was something that worked between the actors, who'd made unconscious decisions for their characters that there was something else to be explored, and TJ Thyne and Michaela Conlin allowed it to happen - with a little help from the writers, of course - and so we got Hodgela. For me, I just don't see that with Emily Deschanel/Brennan and David Boreanaz/Booth. They have all the puzzle pieces to form a beautiful picture, but they don't really want to go so far as to glue it together and put it in a frame. The curiosity just isn't there. And they're okay with that. There is a different curiosity between them, but it isn't romantic. Booth wants Bones to allow herself more openness, express herself more. But Booth, a father and law enforcement official, is a nurturer, a helper and a fixer. Bones, at the core, is happy she has someone with whom she can be herself, as much as she can. But her purpose is more defined and concrete - she knows what she wants, even though she may not always feel it's right, she probably feels it's correct.

Could Bones and Booth go further? We're told that they will, but I really hope this isn't how they're addressing the lack of addressing Season 3's kiss. I hold out hope that Hart Hanson won't take the show in this direction and hook Bones and Booth up romantically. If they find themselves in a situation in which they need each other for a moment, that's one thing. We all do strange and wild things in the heat of the moment. (I've sure got my stories...) But I implore the writers - remember "The X-Files" like Chris Carter remembered "Moonlighting."

The Egon Factor: Why I Love the Squints

2008-06-20T11:15:00.004-04:00

This was published today on the Blog-Off on Searching Bones. And remember to support the Actor's Fund!

While the rapport between Brennan and Booth are the main focus of "Bones," I came to an amazing realization a while back on why I actually prefer the squints. And it all came down to "Ghostbusters."

"Ghostbusters" and "Ghostbusters 2" have been my favorite movies, hands down, since I was about nine years old. That was when "Ghostbusters 2" was released, and it was one of the first movies I remember seeing in the theater and not being too young to appreciate. While most of the jokes went over my head, I developed an instant crush on one 'buster: Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis). Go ahead. Laugh. But I have always loved Egon. The glasses. The high hair. And the intellect. Rowr.

Fast forward to 2008 - holy crow, almost 20 years later???? - and I am infatuated with "Bones." I can't put my finger on precisely why. Temperence Brennan was a superbly written female lead. The Bones and Booth relationship was that of a screwball comedy. But something about Zack Addy and Jack Hodgins got me just a bit more than the hunky, snarky Booth.

I realized soon enough that it was because I was watching the respective reincarnations of Egon Spengler and Peter Venkman. Surely you see it, too: Egon and Zack are the logical, rational types with the million-dollar vernaculars and the infinite intellect. Venkman and Hodgins are also both supremely intelligent, with double doctorates, but unlike Egon and Zack know exactly how to use their brains to win over ladies. Egon was probably just like Zack in his younger days, socially awkward, but with a bunch of secret admirers who tried to send signals and failed to get past the Wall of Smart. Venkman and Hodgins, on the other hand, knew how to budget their smarts and instead used their positions and intelligence for what Egon and Zack would consider unproductive purposes.

But it's unnecessary to go into a deep character study (though I probably could, and could also probably charge a couple of Benjamins for an awesome term paper). Bottom line, you can easily hear lines spoken by Egon and Venkman coming out of Zack and Hodgins. Such as:

EGON: I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

VENKMAN: Nimble little minx, isn't she?

EGON: Sumerian, not Babylonian.
VENKMAN: Yeah, big difference.

VENKMAN: Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.

EGON: I feel like the floor of a taxi cab.

VENKMAN: ...This reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
EGON: That would have worked if you hadn't stopped me.

EGON: I think they're more interested in my epididymis.

VENKMAN: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

EGON: We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.

[In response to Ray Stanz: "You think there's a connection between this Vigo character and the... slime?"]
EGON: Is the atomic weight of cobalt 58.9?

I think the "Bones" writers must be 'busters fans too. Or maybe I just like both waaaay too much. Unfortunately, I can't figure out who Ray Stanz (Dan Aykroyd) could have been, though maybe he was the happy medium between Zack and Hodgins. But imagine my utter glee when the fourth Ghostbuster, Ernie Hudson started showing up as defense attorney David Barron on "Bones"! Not only was it exciting to see a Ghostbuster on my favorite show, but I officially had, sort of, one degree of separation:

Yup. Doesn't get much better than that. If "Bones" can get Aykroyd on the show somehow, I will be in nerd heaven.

Blogging up a storm for a good cause.

2008-06-19T09:16:00.002-04:00

Can I just say off the bat that I've had an insanely busy week full of (mostly) fun?

This week I started acting classes, like hardcore Sanford Meisner acting classes, and so far I think I might not such at acting. But it's only the first class, so we'll have to wait and see. I have another one tonight - every Monday and Wednesday, plus hour-long rehearsals iin between. This is especially fun, because that means I get to drive into the city five out of seven days a week now. Mostly in rush hour traffic. And gas is at least $4.23/gallon here. I'd take the train, but the earliest one I can catch after work doesn't arrive in NYC in time, though I will get a break on that soon.

Also, idiot that I am, I forgot to remind myself the side road on which the train station by work is located, so yesterday I was all ready to chill on the train, but instead I just got lost in Hempstead. Yay.

But real, actual fun: Tuesday nights I take a screenwriting class with Michael Showalter. It's truly my favorte part of the week, even above falling asleep Friday nights. We've had four classes, but from the very first one, I had started approaching my screenplay much differently. Then last week, I pitched my screenplay and had the best exchange with Showalter about it, and now I have a much better idea of what I'm doing with it. I can't wait to start really working on it, once the "Bones" script I'm writing is done.

Now the funny thing that I completely left out. "Ghostbusters" is my FAVORITE movie. I got to Showalter's class a few minutes late this week, and when I walked in, he said, "Come on in. We're just watching 'Ghostbusters.'" In a split second, every part of my face got bigger, I gasped, then in an amazingly high-pitched voice, I went, "REEEEEEALLLLLYYYY????" I sat down and started watching, and about a minute later, I realized that half the class had laughed at me. Dork. After class, I told Showalter, "Next week we'll watch 'Ghostbusters 2' and I'll just full-on faint." He said, "I'm bringing 'Ghostbusters 2.'"

But the ANNOUNCEMENT: I will be taking part in the Great b5media Blog-Off on Searching Bones tomorrow. I'll be posting a bunch of posts about "Bones," some my own and some with Wendy from Obsessed with Bones. We'll be officially announcing our script project for "Bones" fans and handing out virtual hugs to those involved with the show. I wrote the bulk of my material Sunday night at about midnight due to my schedule, so it should be pretty interesting. Proceeds from the Blog-Off go to the Actor's Fund. I'll repost my entries after Friday here, but definitely check out Searching Bones!

HuffPo: My tribute to Tim Russert

2008-06-15T20:07:00.002-04:00

I'm very lucky to be able to post on "The Huffington Post." In fact, I'll take this opportunity to thank Rachel Sklar for being responsible for getting me on there. Honestly, I'm really a nobody with a blog. Sure, I have fun things going on in my life and I love writing about them. And who knows where these fun things will take me, if anywhere at all. But I really am in no place to have an impact on society. At least not right now. That's why I wondered whether or not I should bother writing a tribute to NBC's Tim Russert, who passed away suddenly on Friday. (And yes, I cried all weekend, and not because of the wedding.) Who am I, exactly, to go on one of the most popular media/political blogs and talk about how much Tim Russert meant to me when there are so many other people in those industries who not only are successful and noteworthy, but probably actually knew Russert?

I decided to write it. Maybe I'm just a viewer, but I felt the impact of Russert's death in my own way. And maybe there are other mere viewers who feel the same way I do and can't post on HuffPo. So I decided to take this opportunity and posted my tribute.

HuffPo: It Won't Be Sunday Without You, Mr. Russert.

Tim Russert Dead. A huge loss for us.

2008-06-13T15:45:00.005-04:00

I may get those tears I was bitching about earlier. Prolific political journalist Tim Russert just died of a massive heart attack at the age of 58. No matter what you thought of him, he was a journalistic legend for those of us who consider ourselves political junkies. And I do. I watched him on "Meet the Press" pretty much every Sunday, saw him on MSNBC as a commentator and on his own "Tim Russert Show."

This is a devastating loss. My heart and prayers go out to his family, wife Maureen Orth and son Luke, his father, and his family and friends at NBC and MSNBC.

And R. Kelly was just acquitted on 14 counts of peeing on underage girls. A red letter day. Did God push the wrong fucking button? How does this happen?

Don't cry out loud...don't worry - I won't.

2008-06-12T11:13:00.003-04:00

A caveat: I am not hormonal.

Okay, so the highly emotional dame that I am, I feel like I've been on the verge of tears, like a major crying jag, since the "Bones" finale. Since then, the Muse that is every element of the show has triggered some of the most inspired writing that I've ever done. I've been working on a decent screenplay and I've been piecing together my "Bones" spec script/fan-fic-gone-too-far. (The script of which will go head-to-head with Wendy from Obsessed with Bones!) Plus my buddies are starting to think about some new projects. So there's been an amazing creative insurgence since May 19.

But, as heartbreaking and devastated as I was about the big bad reveal, I simply have not been able to squirt some. That sounds filthy. But I am emotionally constipated. I tried everything, but either I'm too distracted by life - a good thing - or something just has not triggered me yet.

I will venture to predict that I will cry this weekend at my cousin Mike's wedding. Because I'm a woman, I'm single, I will be single forever, and I will be drinking wine. But that's not even real crying. More like a natural thing I would do at a wedding - put on a dress, make myself pretty, get drunk and get weepy. Happens. Every. Time. So I'm not really anticipating the emotional break that I've been seeking.

I've tried everything, even rented "Love Story." Not even a welling. All the NPR stories about the China earthquake and StoryCorps on Fridays? Nothing. I guess I kill puppies for a living, but I just could not cry. And sometimes a girl's gotta just let it roll!

I'll keep all two of you posted.

By the way: Fuck you, David Motari. I hope something terrible happens to you now that you've been kicked out of the military.

Oh yeah, I have a life outside of "Bones."

2008-05-28T13:42:00.002-04:00

As much as I love, love, love the show and hated, hated, hated the season finale, I actually have things going on besides "Bones" that I'll be writing about here.

*I'm writing a screenplay that involves seeing friends from 10 years ago and how it affects current friends, and also journalistic hijinx. I'm developing it in a class through the People's Improv Theater taught by former member of "The State" Michael Showalter. Hopefully I will finish it, hopefully it will be sold, hopefully it will be made. I also want to write a play about workplace quirks, but that is just an idea in my head at the moment. But I do want one explosion and a lot of screaming.

*I will be acting in a show created by my best buddy called "PB&J," which will also feature said best buddy and Room 28's Jaime Fernandez, with whom I have been lucky to perform on stage. I've been told I'm wanted back for another show, so I'll keep you posted on that too (they stream their shows online, so anyone can watch).

*It's unlikely that I'll write about "Bones" on Huffington Post again until the next season starts in late August, but I'm sure something will prompt me to write for the site again. (And those of you who are iffy about the political content, I'm not really writing for that scene anymore. It's depressing. At least it is at the moment. Rest assured, my Entertainment posts are completely non-political.)

*Hopefully, I'll get some of my own sketch comedy made soon. I have a bunch of ideas in my head that may or may not be funny, so we'll see.

*And I'm taking acting classes starting next month. I decided to pursue this again because I wanted to find out if I'm really any good. If I am, great! If I'm not, at least I'll know! I'm psyched either way.

If I do something that gets picked up by other blogs, that will also go on here.

Be on the lookout!

"I'll never let go, Zack! I'll never let go!"

2008-05-26T22:18:00.003-04:00

Okay, eventually I will. I just couldn't resist a really corny "Titanic" reference.

Just published a new HuffPo, as promised, about why we lose our best TV characters and why it feels like Hart Hanson shot my puppy.

And, to lighten the mood a bit, I've written a short sketch that can be read after the jump about what could have really happened to Gormagon's skeleton in the "Bones" finale.

"A Scene We'll Never See" starring Zack Addy and Naomi from the Paleontology Department

A phone rings. ZACK answers.

ZACK: Hello?

NAOMI: Hi, Zack. It's Naomi from the paleontology department.

ZACK: Um...hi. How are you?

NAOMI: You know, it's going, it's going. What what about you? How are things?

ZACK: Well, I don't know if you heard, but I confessed to being Gormagon's apprentice. And also killing a lobbyist.

NAOMI: I did hear, actually. What a bummer. And totally out of character for you!

ZACK: I know! I must have had some seriously unresolved issues.

NAOMI: I heard it had something to do with logic, but we've all seen you, Zack. You don't even like to kill your flesh-eating bugs.

ZACK: Right? They have names!

NAOMI: And word around here is that you punch like a nun puppet. Hodgins saw us all when we were outside smoking once and told us.

ZACK: Really? I didn't know word spread like that at the Jeffersonian.

NAOMI: Come on, Zack. The Jeffersonian is home to the biggest yentas of all!

ZACK: Very true. Anyway, why are you calling now? It's been three years since we slept together and one since you forgot to be the front end of my cow costume. What gives?

NAOMI: Well, to be honest Zack, I was just really wrapped up in going out with other people besides you. But now, I feel kinda bad that I've ignored you this whole time and I just wanted to say "hi." And that I'm thinking of you.

ZACK: Well, that's really nice of you.

NAOMI: So, do your hands work yet?

ZACK: No. I kind of blew them up. It could be a while. Stupid move. I should have just killed myself. (catches himself) Oh, damnit.

NAOMI: What?

ZACK: They generally don't like to hear mental patients say stuff like that.

NAOMI: Well, you wouldn't have ended up hand-less.

ZACK: I know.

NAOMI: And we're really expendable anyway.

[Zack pauses. How would Naomi know about that?]

ZACK: We? Are expendable?

NAOMI: Yes, Zack. We are. The apprentices.

ZACK: Naomi?

NAOMI: I've been madly in love with you, Zack, but I was afraid. Afraid, I tell you! I didn't know how to reach that big freaking brain of yours!

ZACK: So you joined Gormagon?

NAOMI: Yes!

ZACK: For me?

NAOMI: Yes!

ZACK: I'm both flattered and horrified. And confused. Why not coffee? Soda pop? Returning my phone calls?

NAOMI: I didn't think it would get your attention.

ZACK: But Naomi, you ignored me the whole time I worked at the Jeffersonian!

NAOMI: I was playing hard to get!

ZACK: So you figured you could get my attention by joining Gormagon?

NAOMI: I figured it was something we had in common.

ZACK: What, exactly? The logical argument to preserve the historical human experience?

NAOMI: No.

ZACK (ew): The cannibalism?

NAOMI: Oh, wait. Are you not a cannibal?

ZACK: No!

NAOMI: Ohhhhhhh...

[Awkward!]

ZACK: So, I guess you were the one who sabotaged the cameras while I blew myself up?

NAOMI: Guilty as charged. And stole the skeleton from the vault.

ZACK: Well, at least that can be explained.

NAOMI: Yeah, the Master got a serious case of food poisoning from eating Nick.

ZACK: Holy shit, he ate Nick, the other apprentice?

NAOMI: Yeah. He was pissed.

ZACK: I knew he hated him, but...wow. Talk about expendable.

NAOMI: Poor Nick.

ZACK: Poor Nick.

NAOMI: Anyway, I was just kind of checking in, wanted to tell you how I felt about you.

ZACK: Well, I appreciate that. Though I wish you'd said something before joining a cannibalistic cult just to get me to notice you.

NAOMI: Oh, I'm just shy. I would have loved to get together for some human being tartare, but I guess that's just not your thing, huh?

ZACK: I'm actually a strict vegan these days. Aside from the antipsychotics and sleeping pills to help me handle all my completely unresolved issues.

NAOMI: I understand. Well, talk soon?

ZACK: I might kill myself instead.

NAOMI: Oh, okay then! Bye, Zack.

ZACK: Bye, Naomi.

And that's what happened!

Big, long, windbagger of a post about "Bones," which includes - wait for it - fan-fic.

2008-05-25T00:11:00.006-04:00

Not since I was 17 years old have I written fan-fic. (For the "Scream" movies. I ended up meeting one of my very best friends, so it wasn't a totally nerdy experience.) But I was so fucked up after the "Bones" finale that I felt totally compelled to write down exactly what I thought happened to Zack Addy and what I think should happen on "Bones" next season to explain it all. (Not explain it all away, since what's done is done.) I posted this on MySpace, reached a catharsis, and will now let the healing begin just as soon as people stop making fun of me for writing a fan-fic. (Not that kind of fan-fic.)

The nerdiness ensues after the jump, and be on the lookout for a new HuffPo on why good shows kill their best characters.

So, I had to write about why I'm so abnormally screwed up by the season finale of "Bones." I have not been this rocked by fictional characters since Randy died in "Scream 2," the death scene of whom I have still - after over 10 years - not watched. But "Bones" was just...ugh, my week was a blur.

So, what happened? It was revealed - inexplicably - that Zack Addy (played by Eric Millegan), the socially-deficient, astronomically intelligent, downright adorable former assistant to Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and forensic anthropologist was the apprentice to a cannibalistic serial killer named Gormagon. Apparently, Zack the logic junkie was so easily swayed by the premise that preserving the human race as a whole justified the killing (and human consumption) of those involved in secret societies, which are detrimental to the human race, but also that the historical human experience as a whole was more important than a single person's life. Zack's logic was found to be flawed when Bones told him he went against the last point when he spared his best friend, Dr. Jack Hodgins (TJ Thyne), in the explosion he set up as a diversion for the real killer (or someone else?) to steal evidence from the lab.

And as I typed this, after rewatching the episode, this time not through tears and gut-wrenching anticipation, I realized how shoddy and loosely thrown together this concept was on the writers' part. I'm disappointed.

I'm going to be writing my third "Bones"-themed piece for Huffington Post on why shows make the creative decisions to get rid of the most beloved characters on TV. From a storytelling perspective, it makes sense - to be compelling, a storyteller must, from time to time, raise the stakes. That means something has to happen to someone. Could be good, bad, or anything in between, but it has to be something, and, at least once, it has to be something BIG. The characters on "Bones" had certainly had their ups and downs, whether it was Bones finding out about her family, Booth's son being threatened by a different serial killer, Angela's old boyfriend being killed, Hodgins and Bones nearly becoming victims of a yet another serial killer or Zack being deployed to Iraq in a scientific/medical capacity. Good things have happened too: Angela and Hodgins grew together in one of the most beautifully and naturally formed office romances on TV, Bones and Booth got to go undercover, Zack got his doctorate and earned his spot at the Jeffersonian.

But going back through the show, there were no signs that Zack would be so easily swayed by such a far-out serial killer, at least not enough to kill another person himself, which is what he confessed to doing. Sure, Zack could be characterized as "kooky." He most likely had Asperger's, which caused him to be less apt to be social and emotional and even come across as a little bit chilly.

As for his physical and emotional ability to commit murder? Yeah...no. In season one, he didn't want to kill the bugs used to eat flesh off of bones because "they have names." In season two, he punched Hodgins with all the force of a nun puppet, but beforehand said he "never saw the logic" of violence. The punch "seemed to be the most practical way to get [Hodgins] to stop talking and get back to work. But [Zack] didn’t realize how much it would hurt." And, in another season two episode, the last time Zack was blown up, he stated that he "hate[d] this part" - when it was necessary to saw into a human head. Not a skull that had been decayed, a human head with flesh, brains, hair...a face. This, from a guy who we are expected to believe bought the logical argument that stabbing a member of a secret society and cutting out his heart was justified. Have we ever seen Zack stab anything? Yes - in season two, all the "squints" take turns stabbing a dummy. And Zack stabs like my grandmother. He also stabbed a melon in the beginning of this season to determine what kind of knife was used as a murder weapon. This time, he's not quite as reluctant, having not waited for Hodgins to prepare something else, and claims that going to Iraq made him a "man of action." Maybe a hint? Could be, since the writers knew they'd be wrapping up Gormagon this season and were leaving anyone open to being a suspect. But the decision had not been made yet, and stabbing a piece of fruit for the purpose of obtaining a mold for a murder weapon is not the same thing as cutting out someone's heart. Besides, if anything, Zack would look at this in a purely scientific manner - he is not meant to be simulating a murder, he is trying to get an accurate mold.

And as for logic? He's been asked about it before, by an authority figure in the first season. Besides not seeing the logic in violence, here is an exchange with a State Department Agent:

Pickering: Hypothetically, you have a piece of information.
Zack: Secret and meaningful information?
Pickering: Yes. And the security of the country at stake. Could I bribe you to
give it to me?
Zack: No.
Pickering: Threaten you?
Zack: No.
Pickering: What if I made a reasonable, rational argument? Very persuasive.
Zack: Merely persuasive?
Pickering: Irrefutable. I make an irrefutable argument as to why you should give me this piece of information. Would you do so?
Zack: Not without checking with Dr. Brennan or Angela first. See what they said. Maybe Agent Booth if he talked to me. He probably wouldn't. I'd check with Dr. Hodgins, but he'd say it was all part of some conspiracy so I mostly only take his advice on women.

He gave her sass. Rebuffed. And with whom did he confer about Gormagon's "irrefutable" argument?

Now, the discussion on the boards is that all of the so-called "evidence" that Zack must have been forced into confessing, or must be lying, or couldn't kill someone came from the time before he was sent to Iraq. It was clear from the moment he stepped back into the Jeffersonian in the middle of the first episode of the season that something happened to him. Zack's entire demeanor was different. To me, he looked traumatized. While he may not have been a soldier in combat, there are plenty of cases of PTSD - post-traumatic stress disorder - in those who have been in Iraq but served in non-combat roles. Zack is clearly a victim. (And, if you can consider the fact that some medical professionals specializing in PTSD want to have it classified as an injury and not a mental defect, implying that a victim was mentally or emotionally vulnerable going into a situation before a traumatic event, nothing that happened prior to Zack's deployment would be taken into account when analyzing his post-Iraq actions and condition.)

So, here is my theory:

Zack was exposed to something in Iraq that instilled in him the theory that human life is expendable. As someone who has built his career on identifying the remains of the dead and abandoned, he has always felt this to be untrue. Why would he take the position of identifying remains for the sole purpose of solving their murder and returning whatever was left of them to their families if he thought human life was expendable? But the soldiers he meets and his fellow scientists and doctors have seen thousands of dead bodies and have become numb to the sight of them. The remains they've been identifying are that of innocents - entire familes, children bombed in school, men and women in marketplaces and mosques. Maybe this happens: Zack, while being escorted to one site, sees an explosion and witnesses people who were walking around just seconds before dying, blown up, parts of them scattered all over. A soldier remarks, "Don't worry. You'll probably see them again soon."

This kind of exposure everyday for weeks causes him to withdraw and slip up in his work. He wonders if his work serves any purpose anymore, if he even serves any sort of purpose anymore. If he could, wouldn't the better option be to prevent the deaths of innocents? But Zack knows he can't offer that - his gift is his intellect. But his intellect isn't saving lives, and his intellect can no longer humanize his victims. There are too many, and they're starting to become all the same. His skills are becoming useless - expendable. And he can't even do his best work anymore, so he is becoming useless - expendable.

He is asked to see a shrink, who diagnoses him with PTSD and he is evacuated. Worried that such a diagnosis will put a stigma on him at the Jeffersonian, he lies about it upon his return, saying he "failed to assimilate." He knows that everyone else knows that's true, and no questions will be asked. But upon seeing a possible replacement for him, he's reminded again - he's expendable.

Weeks go by, but he's only happy at work, with his other family. He's happy less and less, and truly starts to wonder if he has a place in the world anymore. Every case he picks up, he remembers how many people are killed in a day at home and over there. Even his closest friends have been in situations in which they were close to death. He might as well be one of them. He's starting to quietly self-destruct.

Fast forward to three months before his confession: Zack meets a charismatic figure, Gormagon, who takes an interest in his previously ignored intellect, and talks about preserving the entire human race by killing those who seeks to undermine it. He can become an apprentice who helps him achieve this. He has several apprentices at a time, and they come and go - they're expendable. Zack receives his affirmation. If he joins this cause, it justifies what he has convinced himself of since seeing the horrors of war - he is expendable. But the human race will go on.

So, he joins up with Gormagon, feeling as if he's found a safe place that has validated his feelings. Some of it is uncomfortable - the cannibalism - but the cause overshadows the benediction he's received and the logic backing it up. He follows what Gormagon says, but can't bring himself to commit murder. Another apprentice, a teenage boy, kills the lobbyist himself and allows Zack to take care of the remains for Gormagon. The teenage boy ends up trying to trump Gormagon's authority, so Gormagon kills him and probably eats him. (No reason to try to extend that storyline.)

Imagine that dialogue though:

BOOTH: Where is this guy Zack?

ZACK: Ummm...

BOOTH: We need to find him.

ZACK: You're not going to.

BOOTH: Oh.

Why would Zack lie? While he was confessing, he was still probably on painkillers, and maybe if we accept that he'd been brainwashed, he'd convinced himself that he'd done it. Or maybe Gormagon told him to claim responsibility.

After a while, Zack reaches a breaking point. He starts to feel like there isn't any further he could go with Gormagon, and he's been a part of so much terror that killing himself is justifiable. Who wouldn't deserve to die after what he's been a part of? Besides, sparing one life doesn't threaten the human experience as a whole - he's expendable. It's time to start coming clean, but only if he won't have to face the people he loves, the people he knows this would hurt deeply. That knowledge depresses him more, and he starts preparing his end. He gets his opportunity when Gormagon wants the silver skeleton back.

He sends the lobbyist's jawbone to the lab himself to start setting up the explosion, knowing Hodgins will test the water in which it was boiled and find out it came from his apartment.

He knows the explosion will put Hodgins in harm's way, so he tries to design the explosion to affect only himself, actually expecting to kill himself in the blast and not merely cause injury.

He knows Brennan will examine the jawbone herself and find out about the teeth he pulled from the skulls in the Jeffersonian's "limbo" room. Two episodes earlier, he realized that others had access to all prior evidence when he saw Clark Edison examining a skull he'd worked on.

Zack says he was planning on sneaking out of the hospital once everyone left, but they wouldn't leave him by himself. I would say it would be to finish the job he started in the lab, to avoid facing them all, and not to rejoin Gormagon.

I have two theories on why he didn't accept painkillers. Either he felt he deserved to feel pain, knowing what he'd done and what they would find out. Or, Zack, being Zack, didn't like feeling detached from his own mind. He said the morphine "dulled [his] intellect." Or, perhaps, the fear of polka dots.

And finally, he sees how much he is cared for and how much his actions will hurt the people he loves, and Bones finally makes him see how his logic was wrong all along. She tells him that he's wrong - if logic said that the life of one single person didn't matter, then he would not have spared the life of someone who considered him to be an invaluable part of his life. And if someone existed who found him to be an invaluable part of his life, then he wasn't what he thought he was all along - expendable.

The one solid element that kept him convinced he wasn't worth anything was disproven by the one person whose opinion he valued the most - Dr. Brennan, who also found him invaluable.

So, that's how we can think of Zack Addy now. That's what I'm going to think. I think it makes a lot of sense. Maybe I took some poetic justice, but not nearly as much as the "Bones" writers did when they made Zack a serial killer's apprentice and a murderer himself.

A lof of us Zack Addy/Eric Millegan fans are seriously going through a mourning process over this character, and he isn't even dead. But going by the Kubler-Ross model of the seven stages of grief:

Denial: No way Zack is the apprentice/killer!
Anger: I hate Hart Hanson - he kills puppies and laughs.
Bargaining: Um, see my unnecessarily long theory/"fan-fic" above and below.
Depression: I'm never watching "Bones" again.
Acceptance: I really want to see David Boreanaz naked with a beer hat again.

It's odd, but if I'm crazy, then so are Matt Roush and countless other critics who probably share my sentiment that Eric Millegan was the biggest casualty of the writers' strike.

How can we resolve this by doing Zack and Eric Millegan justice? Here's my overly long theory in (lordy, let the mocking begin) fan-fic form:

Hodgins cannot believe that Zack could have killed someone. It has been the one thing he has not been able to accept, even moreso than the involvement with Gormagon. And, still feeling guilty about exposing Zack to the secret society/conspiracy stuff, feels he owes him something. Hodgins has Caroline Julian send Zack's confession (which we never heard) to a forensic linguist, a profession that does with words what the "Bones" crew does with remains.

I'd like to picture her as someone who looks and acts vaguely like Bones, who we would later find out is the daughter of one of the three aunts her father (Ryan O'Neal) mentioned at one point, which would send Zack and Hodgins on a mission to get DNA from her to match it with up with Bones. A fun and undepressing way for Bones to uncover more about her family! Maybe in another episode. And the woman's name would be Dr. Molly McInerney. She has doctorates in linguistics and criminal psychology, and also got a juris doctorate for fun. And she is convinced that Gormagon is the evil guy from the Smurfs.

Anyway, Dr. McInerney gets this folder on her desk at about 10:00 at night, right before leaving. She doesn't want to, but it's in her nature to read what's on her desk upon her discovery. Prima facie, it's grossing her out. But then:

MOLLY: No...no...no. No, you didn't.

NANCY (her assistant): Didn't what?

MOLLY: This person is lying.

NANCY: About what? A murder?

MOLLY: Yes.

NANCY: Lying about not killing someone?

MOLLY: Lying about killing someone.

NANCY: So, it looks like we're going to be getting someone out of prison tomorrow? I'll clear your schedule...

MOLLY: No, he still did some pretty heinous stuff. He's in a psych ward. But not murder. No way. The language doesn't support it at all. I want this person's files, everything you can get me, on my desk before I get here tomorrow. I want to know why he lied about killing someone.

NANCY: What's his name?

MOLLY: Zachary Addy.

Yay! The proverbial ball is rolling. Molly goes over the files and learns more about Zack, finds out he went to Iraq and instantly considers PTSD. Also turns out that she and Hodgins went to college together and slept with each other three times before getting sick of each other. She heads over to the Jeffersonian to see him. Angela (who, according to the spoilers, is no longer with Hodgins past the beginning of the season - booooooo!) sees a strange woman walking around with Hodgins, as well as Cam and Bones. (Obviously, this is a sub-plot.) Cam agrees with Angela that it's pretty uncouth of Hodgins to bring a potential date to work when Angela is clearly still smarting from their breakup. Bones says their relationship is over, why wouldn't he date someone else? Thanks, Bones.

Molly and Hodgins are talking in a private office about Zack. It's clear that Hodgins has been a wreck over this, has visited Zack a few times, and knows he's not doing well, but he doesn't know why. But, as those scary sides said, he feels responsible for all of this happening. Molly agrees to go visit Zack and try to give Hodgins answers, but wants to talk to Bones too.

This meeting eventually happens, but again, Angela sees it from a distance and has no idea what's going on. She and Cam watch Molly and Bones speak politely, then sees Bones get a troubled look on her face and invite Molly into her office. Ugh, that bitch!

Bones later brings up PTSD with Booth, who acknowledges it as a legitimately crippling condition, talking about what it feels like to be a sniper and tells one story of a guy he knew who killed his twin brother, girlfriend and himself. Bones knows this means that even if it explained Zack's actions, he would still be forever scarred and would never work in his field again. Booth says he should have known Zack might have been susceptible and later wonders if he should have noticed the signs. Bones assures him that in someone like Zack, it wouldn't have been obvious.

Molly goes to visit Zack, who wants to reject her psychology. He has reconciled his failed logic and feels he was let off easy and accepts his fate. Molly forces him to talk about what he saw, but notices how detached he is emotionally. She cuts right to the chase:

MOLLY: Zack, how long have you wanted to kill yourself?

ZACK: Is this what you deduced from my confession?

MOLLY: Why does that matter?

ZACK: Because I've worked with someone who does with human remains what you do with words and she does not speculate on her evidence. And she taught me to do the same.

MOLLY: Maybe it's what I've deduced from your words as well as the words of those with whom you've worked very closely.

ZACK: So, you're basing my mental state on words I said while I was on morphine and admitting criminal acts to people who have a biased opinion of me, and the words of those very people?

MOLLY: These people know you extremely well.

ZACK: But they're not me. The difference between what you do and what my aforementioned former co-worker -

MOLLY: Dr. Brennan?

ZACK: Yes. The difference is that my aforementioned former co-worker doesn't claim to know what the subject she is studying was thinking because she does not have access to that information.

MOLLY: So, there's no way I can tell what's going on in your head because it's not my head.

ZACK: Yes.

MOLLY: What if I told you that as a forensic psychologist who specializes in linguistics it's my job to take my evidence and apply it to behavior reported by others who have observed my subjects?

ZACK: I'd say that you're ruining the purity of your evidence. You're tainting your evidence with conjecture.

MOLLY: And I'd say your logic in justifying murder was tainted by your extreme emotional state, rendering it flawed, and rendering you a victim of your own doing.

ZACK: I think what people usually say in situations like is is "touche."

MOLLY: That's accurate. Have you tried to kill yourself lately?

ZACK: What evidence do you have that I might be suicidal?

MOLLY: The actions that you described in your confession are all self-destructive. Including your lie about murdering the lobbyist.

ZACK: You can tell that I lied?

MOLLY: I knew you lied as soon as I read it.

ZACK: How?

MOLLY: Everything else you described was as if you did it, because you did. You didn't describe killing anyone. You described seeing someone being stabbed in the heart by someone else but as a scientist, you know what it would be like. Your language went from first person to third. Obviously not in a way someone without three doctorates could recognize, but this is what I get paid the big bucks for.

ZACK: Three doctorates?

MOLLY: Yes. How many do you have?

ZACK: One. And a half.

MOLLY: I see.

ZACK: In what?

MOLLY: Forensic psychology, linguistics and a juris doctorate. But that last one was mostly for fun. And a guy.

ZACK: So, you are well-versed in dissecting the written and spoken word and using that evidence to support psychological speculation.

MOLLY: Yes.

ZACK: Then what is your conclusion? Besides my wanting to kill myself?

MOLLY: You have Asperger's Syndrome and post-traumatic stress disorder. The first one you obviously knew about, but you've been showing symptoms of the latter since you returned from Iraq. According to your confession and your friends.

ZACK: Suicidal thoughts are symptomatic of PTSD.

MOLLY: Yes.

ZACK: Then why did we have this conversation if you knew the answer to your own question?

MOLLY: Because I want you to say it.

ZACK: I want to kill myself.

MOLLY: You know what I mean, Zack.

ZACK: And you know I have Asperger's and there's only one way for me to say it.

MOLLY: I want you to tell me why. I have a feeling you have never told anyone what you've been thinking about, and if you have not shared this information with anyone else, then you have not heard anything to make you consider that you might be wrong.

ZACK: But I'm not wrong about wanting to kill myself. I actually do.

MOLLY: Why?

ZACK: I'm expendable.

MOLLY: This is what you learned in Iraq.

ZACK: Yes.

MOLLY: Talk to me about Iraq.

(See theory above, I won't type it all again.)

MOLLY: Zack, do you realize that we're trying to get PTSD classified as a combat injury as opposed to a mental defect?

ZACK: Implying that there's a possible recovery?

MOLLY: Exactly. There's a chance that you won't spend a very long time here. You'll be able to go home and live your life again.

ZACK: No, I won't. No one will ever want me working with them knowing what I've done. And I'll never be trusted by anyone at the Jeffersonian. My work was my life, and it's over.

Molly reports back to Hodgins and tells him he could be released if he responds to treatment, but not while he is a danger to himself, which he clearly is.

So, that's a real downer, but at least he won't be a psycho.

My "violent" reactions, in semi-real time.

2008-05-19T19:52:00.013-04:00

So, I may have a bit more of an audience than I thought, thanks to those of you kind enough to follow the link to my humble digital abode. Thanks bunches, and I hope I don't disappoint!

7:54 PM: Watching the end of "Hardball" on MSNBC. I realized last week why I love the squints on "Bones" so much, especially Zack. Since I was eight years old, I have harbored a massive crush on Egon Spengler from "Ghostbusters," to say nothing of my love for Peter Venkman, Ray Stanz and Winston Zedmore. But I've definitely come to the conclusion that Zack Addy is the second coming of Egon Spengler. Jack Hodgins is the second coming of Peter Venkman. That is why I love them.

That said, I am totally calling Zack as Gormagon's apprentice based on what Hart Hanson says in this.

8:01: Angela's making me weepy, but this is the most unsuspenseful non-death ever. Oh, and who's manly jaw is that?Whoooo! Funniest funeral ever!

8:04: I'd really like to drop-kick Sweets. Off to a rousing start, and I really enjoyed seeing Bones deck Booth for making her worry so darn much. Does this mean I get to do the same thing to Eric Millegan? Wow, didn't realize how ornery I was. Maybe still so from the jackhammer-sized woodpecker pounding away on my gutter at 6:30 yesterday morning when I already had a huuuuuge headache? Maybe so, maybe so...

8:10: Wow, Booth in a tub, with a beer helmet and a cigar. And she's still mad! I am also refreshed by his lack of modesty. And oh, please and thank you, another Hodgins-Addy experiment, but I think this is when Zack gets blown up again...bad. Aww, they are both so cute.

8:14: Holy crap!Are his hands freaking GONE??

8:16: That is incredibly upsetting, and there are so many things to read into...why was he really so insistent about the order in which he was handed those things? Damnit. He totally did that on purpose. By the way, how have we gone three years without someone singing "Addy are you okay/Are you okay Addy" to the tune of "Smooth Criminal"? Maybe we never had a reason until now. "Addy are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay Addy?"

8:22: Yeah, bust his chops, Hodgins. Bust his chops, Booth! Hmmm - are they playing up sympathy towards Zack and away from Sweets for a reason? Would Zack really cripple himself and risk his career to support Gormagon though?

8:26: Booth is going pie-less. And Sweets has a profile? And Dr. Hodgins is Gormagon, huh? And Cam thinks it's Sweets. This is getting to be as fun and wild as the IMDB and Fox boards! But who are they not suspecting? The one who 'sploded. Because he's hurt, and they love him. I'll tell you, there's just too much speculation that Zack is involved that it just wouldn't be a shock if I was right about him being the apprentice. Boooooo, Hart Hanson! Boooooo! (No hard feelings though.)

8:35: That's it - Zack lives in the apartment above Hodgins' garage. That's where the jaw was boiled. This Sweets thing is bogus.

8:37: Everyone is scared of everyone! And again, "something we would do" to bones? Who is Zack? One of us! My question is "how and why"? But I guess we'll find out in 21 minutes. 8:39.

8:47: Oh, my god. I really, really wish this wasn't happening. We know Zack's not Gormagon, but he totally had access to those teeth. There are 13 minutes left and this could somehow turn around, and I have to think that this can't be as simple as it looks. No way we could have this solved this soon before the ending. Maybe I'm wrong...and who the fuck is texting me during "Bones"???

9:04: Well, I'm fucking devastated. I really, really did not want to believe that could happen, and I really didn't want to be Queen of the Lab on this one. But I hand it to Eric Millegan - I didn't think I would ever cry over someone confessing to helping a serial killer, killing someone himself, covering it up, betraying his friends, and I was sitting here damn near sobbing. Can he please be reverse-brainwashed? Please?

Live-blogging the "Bones" season finale tonight for my audience of two.

2008-05-19T13:35:00.002-04:00

Holy crap, the wait is finally almost over.

Here's the deal: During the month of March, I was unemployed and addicted to crack/MSNBC. I traded that crack when the primaries were giving me really bad trips for heroin/"Bones" and fell deeply in love with the show, just in time to start reading spoilers that would cause me great distress.

Well, not distress as much as anticipatory anxiety, but in a fun way and not the way that it used to cause me to avoid eating due to the fear of possibly vomiting.

No, I'm exhilaratingly excited about tonight's episode and will be live-blogging, because I know I have a very faithful audience of no people at all. In the meantime, I also posted a new Huffington Post article about spoilers, for which Eric Millegan was kind enough to go on the record.

HuffPo: **SPOILING** the Fun of Finale Season

Please read my previous post first and die happy.

2008-05-13T22:10:00.002-04:00

Another from MySpace's Greatest Hits:

November 3, 2007

I am on a spiritual journey. I may do things that may be shocking and painful. Today, I googled myself.

The usual Slack Pack stuff came up, which I expected. I also expected to see some past blog posts and articles come up. The last time I did this, I found out that an article I wrote about Lindsay Lohan and Natalie Portman was translated entirely into German and put on a Natalie Portman fan site. As someone with a lot of German in them, I found this rather cool. Hey, international, bro!

But then the surprising stuff:

I am a "celebrity."

I can be seen in bed with a strange man because he had a beer that I wouldn't drink if I was waterboarded with it.

My Keith Olbermann blogs are picked up constantly. (Probably because of Keith Olbermann and not me, but still.)

I found out that my one meeting with the NY Democratic Lawyers Council, which was a failed attempt to find hot Democratic lawyers, resulted in a membership.

Someone out there thinks I'm a "rising talent" based on my FishbowlNY articles and my two Black Table appearances. Maybe I am. But I am definitely over the serial comma.

This discovery comes at the end of a kickass media week; I not only published my first political article in Newsday, but I also scored my buddies three Halloween radio spots to promote their movie Lost Suburbia. Okay, two radio spots and then I hijacked a WNYC radio show the same morning during a call-in segment and plugged the movie. But it got out there! It's the first time I've launched a publicity campaign for them that has actually yielded a result! Yay!

So google yourself. You might be marginally famous.

I have been waiting all day for this.

2008-05-13T22:01:00.004-04:00

The local NBC affiliate's anchor Sue Simmons totally fucking cursed on the air during a Monday night tease.

Don't apologize, Sue Simmons!

Fine. Be that way, pushover.

"The other girls and I referred to her as 'rad.'"

2008-05-12T21:31:00.003-04:00

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Well, this week's episode of "Bones" is fun despite someone "getting hurt" if you've been reading spoilers. This week's episode, "The Wannabe in the Weeds," featured two former "American Idol" contestants, one of whom is murdered, which I thought would get people flocking like mad to this one. But apparently, Fox doesn't seem to advertise this show as much as it does other shows. Someone should really do something about that.

My thoughts on this one, a very good one, after the jump.

*I really appreciate Ace Young.
*I can't believe that Red Herring #1 killed "Piano Man" like that. As a Long Islander, I'm angry.
*Ace Young's character was treated to a truly heinous and ooky death. Awesome!
*Indeed, Zack (Eric Millegan) shared his secret to being "deceptively strong." And I now want to see how deceptively buff he is. I'd read that phrase on a spoiler site and thought it had to do with his singing abilities, which we knew Millegan possessed, but not Zack. More on that a few points down.
*I just love Dr. Brennan (Emily Deschanel). She's so straightforward and so unable to hide her feelings when they come out in her analysis. Like when she saw Booth (David Boreanaz) "ogling" a gym-goer: "That does not help the investigation."
*Can Brandon Rogers' character sing anything other than the "Pippin" song? Apparently not.
*Red Herring #1 is now butchering the Nickelback song that Ace Young sang just fine, and seemingly auditioning to be the next lead singer of Creed. I hate Creed. Red Herring #1 is so on my shitlist for the Billy Joel thing and the Creed-like behavior.
*Booth doesn't even need that "cocky" belt buckle. He can just throw his FBI weight around with people who have no idea how investigations work. Oh, Booth, please manipulate me any time you want.
*Holy heaven, is that Pam woman creepy.
*Zack Addy Sings! I could have written this scene. It played out exactly how I expected: Zack, out of nowhere, announces he was a singer as a child because his mother thought it would help him socialize. This was unsuccessful, but he won some commendations. And then he demonstrated by belting out "Love is a Many Splendored Thing," causing everyone within earshot (and that was quite a few, considering the acoustics and the good projection on the part of the singer) to wander on in with a "Who the fuck is that...? Holy crap!" face. And then back to work. Awesome. Loved it. Bravo, Eric Millegan!
*Heaven to betsy, is this Pam lady freaking me out! I don't even like guys giving me flowers, a culturally-accepted practice, let alone things meant to be worn on my person. I want to see Bones take her down.
*And she actually does! After Booth takes a bullet meant for her. Awwww...what a guy.

An appropriately shocking ending, even when some of us already know Booth lives, and, in fact, faked this shooting. What's driving me crazy is next week's season finale. The spoilers are so insane that I truly have no clue at all who the serial killer Gormagon is. And I honestly want to be surprised now.

And my next post on "Huffington Post" will be devoted to spoilers, and here's a spoiler about my post on spoilers: I have a quote from someone who knows what happens on the "Bones" season finale! So you will be able to read about how that feels. Hint: not that fun, but kinda fun.

"I will be totally, awesomely mature."

2008-05-06T10:49:00.002-04:00

So, I missed a chance to write about last week's episode of "Bones" due to circumstances beyond my control, but that was just one of several of the funnier lines from "The Verdict in the Story." Tonight's episode is a little bit "American Idol"-centric, so I'm psyched to write about that one. Plus, according to the spoiler sites, some craaaaaazyass shit is going down, as well as some fun stuff.

In the meantime, I'm trying to fight off a cold that has settled in my throat, which means I've been sounding not unlike Elaine Stritch since last Thursday. ("I'll drink to that.") The good news is I'm probably an actual tenor at the moment instead of some imaginary range between an alto and a tenor.

A comedy-writing fangirl's day is made.

2008-05-05T13:24:00.002-04:00

So, all two of you will recall my recent dust-up with comedy writer Ken Levine, who has written for such classic sitcoms as "M.A.S.H.," "Cheers" and "Fraiser." To recap, Mr. Levine writes an "American Idol" post on "Huffington Post" every week. Two weeks ago, I'd kind of bugged out over all the Carly Smithson-tattoo remarks, as well as one remark made about David "Puppy" Archuleta. In response, nine people admonished me for having tattoos, but one person said I shouldn't be mean to Ken Levine. That bothered me - I wasn't trying to be mean to someone who had a career that I respected so much. So I emailed Mr. Levine to make it clear that he merely said something that irked me, and we both agreed to disagree and stand by our own comments. In a nutshell, we were actually on the same page, because much like text messaging, it is not always easy to tell when someone is being facetious in a digital format.

Anyway, I thanked Mr. Levine for his kind response, but couldn't resist asking more questions about his work in comedy. He was awesome enough to take time out of his busy schedule to answer them. Read his response here:

Your Q's, My A's on By Ken Levine

Thanks a bunch, Ken!

This actually happened.

2008-05-01T14:38:00.004-04:00

Holy crap. I know I'm posting late on this, but Paula Abdul flipped her shit and apparently the ad wizards at "American Idol" didn't even bother trying to cover for it. I love it. It totally made up for the fact that it was Neil Diamond Night...zzzzzzzzz...Oh, god. Sorry. But now we get to watch Jason Castro be dumb as a basket of rocks for at least another week. Watch this douchebag with the shiteating grin beat out David Cook and end up competing with the David "Puppy" Archuleta to win this thing. I love it - "American Idol" officially lost its mind this season. And it can't even blame the writers' strike.

In other "This actually happened" news, the DC Madam "killed herself." In future "This actually happened" news, "Made of Honor" came in #1 at the box office.

"Dancing phalanges! Dancing phalanges!"

2008-04-28T22:19:00.004-04:00

Tonight's "Bones" ("The Baby in the Bough") was, as I predicted, about eight kinds of cute. And also had me officially worshiping at the alter of Deschanel. I swear, Emily Deschanel was so good in this episode that I really won't be able to do her justice in my humble little blog. The woman makes acting look so easy and natural, totally effortless, and the way she has made her character grow over three seasons is just so awesome to watch. Temperence Brennan could probably be classified as a cold fish, but bring up family and things start warming up. Tonight it had her angry at someone, in their face. (And after an IMDb fact/face check, that face was that of Tom Wilson, who played Biff in "Back to the Future.") And in the end it had her welling up. Not crying like some diva looking for an award, just on the verge of showing emotion and holding it in to stay professional and at least trying to be impartial. Trying and kind of failing, but it's hard to not become attached to a baby for whom you've been caring, who ended up being taken care of right away instead of put through a questionable system (like she was). It was such a great performance.

Other fun things after the jump:

*Hodgins (TJ Thyne) indeed had a completely tactless method of turning Angela (Michaela Conlin) off wanting to have a baby - by telling her that he'll love her no matter how "mushy" or "wide" she gets. I was on the couch, icing my back after trying too hard at yoga three weeks ago then complicating matters last week by wearing heels around the city to see Emily's sister Zooey perform at Webster Hall. This made me actually sit up. I had to follow my eyebrows, which were trying to touch the ceiling. Oh, you nasty thing, Hodgins.

*As I said before: Nothing like good-looking men holding babies. David Boreanaz holding a baby, a little, round, smiley, roly-poly baby for nearly a whole episode was like a dream. It was kind of predictable, but I love watching Booth be a Daddy while Bones flounders. And I knew someone was going to get peed on, though I figured that one for my favorite clueless genius, which brings us to...

*Zack mistaking baby talk for orders. "No, no, no..." Click. Awww. Repressed memories? Oh, and nice beet story. It's like you were honestly trying to remember the last time your poop looked like that, and that's pretty damn funny. Zack never, ever gets it. Freaking love it. I sure hope he doesn't die. But if that means I might get to see Eric Millegan on Broadway, I'll consider it a deal.

*And next week: I hear there's a "shocking event," but I'm pretty sure it's not the one they showed in the preview. Why in the world would they do that? But Zack's line sounds extremely sinister out of context: "She knows we're out to destroy them." This is exactly the kind of line that ends up being funny. But we'll see - Hart Hanson seems to be full of surprises!

A last look at the Amazing Deschanels:

Funniest. Fetus. Ever.

2008-04-28T16:33:00.002-04:00

Is it any coincidence that on the same weekend "Baby Mama" is number one at the box office and I start watching my "Arrested Development" DVDs again Amy Poehler announces that she and Will Arnett are having a baby? I don't think so. You're welcome.

Because I must have thought of this when Amy and Will were banging each other like three months ago...obviously. Congratulations!

Notes for a Monday morning

2008-04-28T10:36:00.004-04:00

*Underage sex questions aside, Miley Cyrus looks busted in this picture:

*It took me almost an hour and a half to drive to work this morning because it was raining. I swear, Long Islanders panic at the thought of any hint of precipitation.

*If I ever get married, and I would generally like to if I can find someone with the patience of a saint, I will have a co-ed "wedding shower" instead of a bridal shower, and there will be no fucking games. Just presents, food and alcohol for all.

*Ken Levine is no longer on my shitlist. Turns out we are on the same page. Read his blog here, and hear from someone who wrote some classic sitcoms.

*The Huffington Post audience is not as tolerant as you'd think. After my recent article defending tattoos (which had placed Mr. Levine on my shitlist), nine highly important people with what I would imagine are multiple Ph.D.s in psychology, sociology and/or dermatology admonished me for having tattoos. I was called such colorful things such as "bimbo," "misguided" and was informed that I would look really ugly at 50. I saw the same posters commenting on other stories involving tattooed female celebrities, and they were still really riled up about those of us dirty, painted whores.

*I pulled my back three weeks ago and it hurts all over again. I don't like that, because I like wearing heels. They make my legs look longer, and I'm like all torso. If I can't bend over to pick up a shampoo bottle without wincing, is it time to talk to a doctor?

*I cannot wait for "Bones" tonight. There's a baby in it. There are three handsome men in the cast. And there are few greater things in my mind than good-looking men holding babies. I will be recapping/bloviating on this later tonight, post-broadcast.

Don't mess with the ink (or the sensitive teenagers).

2008-04-23T16:57:00.004-04:00

I am so flingin' flangin' tired right now. But I still had time to squeeze in a new HuffPo entry. I do, as I've mentioned, watch "American Idol," though last night I was out enjoying good music. But when I do miss it, I head over to the recaps written by Michael Giltz and Ken Levine. But Levine is on my shitlist now. Here's why:

HuffPo: Real Klassy: Juvenile Attacks on Idol's Easiest Targets

I'm more upset about the extremely cheap shots and bad jokes, but as you'll see, I don't like seeing some people put in the corner, baby.

SHOCKING: Star Jones and that guy are getting divorced.

2008-04-23T11:28:00.003-04:00

I read the news today, oh boy, but I still have every reason to believe that the institution of traditional marriage remains unthreatened, as long as it's nothing but heterosexual couples getting divorced. Like Star Jones "Reynolds" and Al Reynolds, who got married in 2004 with God, friends, family and several corporate sponsors as their witnesses. Obviously a holy, personal union from the start and not Star Jones trying to prove to us and herself that she can actually get someone to marry her, I guess the magic just ended? Or maybe their money ran out?

Does it really matter? No, because no one blinks an eye when the straights get divorced. It's becoming par for the course - don't tattoo someone's name on you, because you'll probably get divorced. Make sure you're making your own money and sign a pre-nup, because you'll probably get divorced. But spend vast amounts of money on the one-evening event that is your wedding, because even though you'll probably get divorced, all that matters is that you lost an inch of your hairline/gained 15 pounds/took up smoking so you can show up your friends via online photo album.

But heaven forbid the gays from getting married, or even being together in the first place! Two consenting adults in love with each other? Blasphemy!

Maybe now that traditional marriage now includes divorce, that's what all the gay-bashers are using as their loophole: You won't be able to get a divorce, ladies and gentleman, and if you're uneligible for divorce, you can't be a part of the tradition of marriage. And if you think I'm joking, I saw much more warped circular logic during the 2004 election season. And the lead-up to the Iraq War.

And if you guessed that I'm a bitter singleton, you are correct. I won't front.

Don't call it a throw-back: She & Him are worth the back pain and sleep deprivation.

2008-04-23T10:14:00.003-04:00

As I mentioned, I was lucky enough to see Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward (She & Him) perform at Webster Hall last night. My review: I heart them both. And Zooey Deschanel is the only person in the world who could get me to like any form of country music, and it's because she doesn't have a typical "country singing voice" (read: "bad singing voice"). She sings like the old-timey country singers, and my friend who got me the ticket (THANK YOU PETE) made the comment that she should have played June Carter Cash instead of Reese Witherspoon. But she doesn't just sing old-fashioned country music. With M. Ward's guitar, the two can be bluesy, jazzy or straight-up fun. Anyone who tries to pinpoint exactly what kind of musicians She & Him are should stop and just listen.

Zooey Deschanel also had no speaking voice (and spoke to us with signs and happy tambourine shakes), but Pete attested to her sounding just as good as she does on their album. But it was kind of obvious that she's not used to performing as a musician, which is fine by me since it's gives her a totally unpretentious air about her. "You know me for my acting, and now I'm gonna sing for you. I hope you like it!"

Definitely getting the album. And falling asleep at about 9:00 tonight. And taking Tylenol for my back, and not wearing heels again for a week. But it was worth it. And I think the magic left over enabled me to spell "tambourine" correctly on the first try.

"I Don't Know What That Means" for April 22, 2008

2008-04-22T14:08:00.004-04:00

This is my new semi-regular feature, based on a commonly-spoken line on "Bones" by Emily Deschanel's character, who has no connection to pop culture. As someone who gave up on MTV pretty much right after Pedro Zamora died and has spent the past three years in a newsy, politicky bubble, I can relate.

This week's edition: "Gossip Girl." Who are these people and why are their names so weird? What happened in the late 1980s that all these pretty young things have the goshdamn whacked names? If it was one of them, I wouldn't think it was all that odd, but it's like all of them: Blake Lively (a girl), Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford (who looks like a girl), Taylor Momsen, Penn Badgley.

Great. Now I sound like my mother. "Why can't they have normal names, like from the Bible?" You know, like Nicodemus and Zebedee. And I should really just shut the hell up, what with my boy's first name and unpronouncable German last name.

At least "Gossip Girl" is a scripted show with buzz, because what I really missed the boat on was "The Hills," which is listed as a "Documentary/Drama" on IMDb, and has now just officially caused me to consider ending my account there. Now, I might actually hate these people, and that makes me feel bad, because I don't know them personally at all. But I know at least one of them is ruining the life of Jossip's David Hauslaib. They're all over everything, and I have no idea why. I had one of my best friends, a guy like a brother to me, a guy whose taste and knowledge in pop culture I value tremendously, tell me what this was all about and then I realized he has actually fucking watched it.

Apparently, it's the "real-life version of 'The OC' in real life." "!!!!" But "The OC" ended last year. But since I can't give up IMDb, I just found out that the first "real-life version of the real-life OC" was "Laguna Beach," which started in 2004, a year after the fictional TV show. Oh, well that would make sense. What doesn't make sense is how these people, whose time in the spotlight should have ended once the original reason for their existence was removed from the air, have continued to make themselves matter in every tabloid, every blog, every celebrity media outlet, as if they'd contributed something to society that reached beyond being blonde and privileged.

But I guess that would be too much to ask, since in this age of reality television and YouTube, everyone deserves to be famous for something for a little while. I think I'd feel like an asshole if I was famous just for being Spencer Pratt, though. In fact, I think I might actually kill myself. After I kill him. No, scratch that. I want Spencer Pratt to live knowing that he's so much of a douchebag that people died unpleasantly because of it. And no, I'm not gonna boldface his name until he does something.

Thank you for the distraction, Zooey.

2008-04-22T09:05:00.004-04:00

Today is the Pennsylvania primary, 78 years since the last one. One freaking state votes today, and in the past 78 years (six weeks), the race between Sens. Obama and Clinton have had me calling for rawhide and quoting "Fatal Attraction."

So don't fuck this up, PA. I'll be seeing Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward (She and Him) at Webster Hall tonight so I don't have to think about this bloody primary. I have a special place in my heart for Zooey Deschanel for two reasons: She's Emily Deschanel's sister and they're both fantastic, understatedly talented actors, and Zooey and I were born on the exact same day - January 17, 1980. So I'd like to think that I'm just as cool. But I'm probably not.

Also, I am going to try to lay off "Bones" spoilers. See, it's a rough addiction, this show. I actually have pretty excellent things coming up, but they're not coming up until May 20th - the day after the season finale. I could 'splode, I really could.

"He wasn't a goose. He was a man."

2008-04-21T21:35:00.009-04:00

Tonight's "Bones" was actually recycled from last season, and here's my opinion: I want to see the original. It was called "Player Under Pressure," and it was originally going to run last April - right after the shootings at Virginia Tech. Of course, due to changes in storylines, facial hair and possibly regular haircuts, it had to be rejiggered to fit into Season 3.

My opinions on why I'm supremely disappointed about what's coming up on what I still contend is the "perfect show," despite its imperfections after the link, and a warning: possible spoilers follow.

Here is the original (April 2007) summary from tv.com:

All team members are working to identify the bones from a college athlete who suffered a lot of fractures. After the body is identified they talk to his sister and somebody who acted as a sort of an adviser for the deceased. Angela and Hodgins have an important talk. Zack is overwhelmed by having to reconstruct the crushed bones to form a skeleton.

The latter of the two plot points didn't happen, and were apparently replaced with what should have been an awkward situation between Angela (Michaela Conlin) and Cam (Tamara Taylor). Normally, I'd be a little freaked about my boss showing me a security video of me having sex. Angela seems to be A-OK. I know Angela's carefree and stuff, but honey...um...weird!

Obviously, the "important talk" was about Hodgins proposing to Angela (for the first time), which they've already resolved, so that was clearly in need of a fix. But what happened to Zack's storyline? Was the sex DVD awesome enough to overwhelm the minutes spent letting Eric Millegan finally do some acting this season? I don't know about that, but it points to the theory that made my heart hurt. (And it's ironic that the episode is, in fact, called "The Pain in the Heart.") I'll go into this more further down and continue with tonight's episode, for all three of you who might read this. Bottom line: there was an opening for a serious "King of the Lab" smackdown between the good Drs. Addy and Hodgins (TJ Thyne), and we were denied.

Anyway, this was an interesting story, and Booth (David Boreanaz) and Bones (Emily Deschanel) both made me laugh out loud. I love the fact that Booth is still hanging onto his macho, jockular youth and Bones very plainly tells him he's really no different than a caveman, what with his penchant for competition and practice battles. But she never does it to insult him, she's just stating anthropological fact based on her observations as a scientist. This is my favorite part about her character, and the other best time Bones ever drew conclusions like this was in "The Man in the Wall," when she was talking about how she loved the "tribal" nature of hip-hop music. Oh, silly white girl. I can so relate.

Other notes:

*As someone with a degree in Political Science from Hofstra University, as well as someone with a significant collection of tattoos (15), I was kind of insulted by this "not hot" "poli-sci tutor" who looked like she fell in flour and then sucked on a popsicle, then got freaky and tore her own hair out. Some of us wear blush and, I don't know, don't yank our own hair out.

*When I was in high school, I always thought it would be so macabre to discover a corpse behind the bleachers. They seemed dangerous, and kinda sick, but maybe this fascination came from getting mocked by jocks and being a big fan of "Scream."

*The girl who played the dead guy's girlfriend apparently went to the Renee Zellweger School of Acting, what with her blonde squintiness and whiny voice. I liked the fiancee of the other player/"Cutter" Cutler's daughter better. "I don't like you...I hate her."

*These boys and their meat. No, I'm not talking about Booth and his "Cocky" belt buckle. I'm talking about how Zack and Hodgins use meat products - actual pigs, Spam and now a turkey - to test how tissue reacts in certain situations. And this time, the turkey, like, popped. I've never seen that happen before. Fascinating.

*Heh, Booth said "Dippin' his wick."

*Come to think of it, Hodgins seemed to be as strangely unfazed by the discovery of his lunch hour supply closet tryst by his boss as his tryst-mate. What's with these people? Are they all really that close? Did the strike cause the producers and writers to have to gloss over a really wild, intimate night that they all had that would have explained why no one had any sort of look on their face upon knowing their boss saw them totally doing it? Am I just completely prude?

*Blending maggots+Cam's personal blender=Best ick face by Tamara Taylor ever. Millegan made a cute one during a body fluid discussion, but Tamara Taylor looked completely disgusted, confused and annoyed by the fact that her blender was labeled, damnit, and it still had fucking maggots in it. I like you now, Cam.

*On the subject of Virginia Tech, I suppose that a crime scene on a college campus would have seemed a bit wrong, especially two days after the shooting took place. Though the last scene was much more disturbing in the context of the shooting, when the person eventually revealed to be the criminal tried to turn a gun on himself. I was also thinking about the loss of the Washington Redskins' Sean Taylor, though that was obviously way after this episode was written. It was the right decision to pull it. Though I still think it was stupid to pull that "Buffy" episode after Columbine. It was snake demons! Come on!

Back to the speculation: I think I have some pretty good ideas about what could happen, and I'm preparing myself for it. And yes - I've become so attached to this show that I need to emotionally brace myself for something I've deduced from investigating online spoilers and putting Season 3 in perspective. Yeah, that's sarcasm. I will just say one thing: If Eric Millegan has decided to leave the show, or ended up being written off, then it was a real waste of a good character. I'll be really sad to not be able to watch this guy act, because I'm so curious about what else he's capable of. But if it means that he gets to find something where he does get to show his chops, all the better for him. But Zack Addy could have been a real fun character.

Hillary Clinton ruined my day before 8:00 AM.

2008-04-21T12:47:00.006-04:00

I have a new piece on Huffington Post today. Not sure when it'll be seen on the Politics page, but hopefully it can make it there. But yeah, Hillary Clinton ruined my day by saying one of the stupidest things I've ever heard - the exact opposite of what she said last month. Idiot.

HuffPo: Hillary, Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

Update: It's up!

Hopefully these puppets won't scare me.

2008-04-21T11:45:00.004-04:00

I'm going to make a confession that could really get me in trouble. It's about my biggest fear, my phobia, if you will. While I don't like heights or enclosed spaces and vomiting freaks me out, nothing scares me more shitless than most kinds of puppets. Yes, puppets. Mainly ventriloquist dummies, on some level marionettes and, after seeing "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" last night, Muppet-type puppets. (not exactly a spoiler, but Jason Segel's character ends up writing a Dracula musical for puppets. Now he and Nick Stoller, the director of the same movie will be taking on the next Muppet movie. I have a close, special kinship with the Muppets, being an American born before 1985, so I'm a little edgy about this. But I liked Jason Segel so very much that I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. As long as there are no dummies involved. ::shiver::

By the way, Jason Segel, as I commented on Huffington Post, I did not have an unfavorable reaction to your face. I like your face.

If the Pope shit in NYC, would we know about it? Yeah, probably. Fox News is on his trail!

2008-04-20T16:55:00.003-04:00

So, I live on Long Island, which is the fish-shaped malignant mass to the east of New York City. This means I have not had to deal directly with the Pope's visit, but the news had made it possible for me to have to do it anyway. I'm not sure if the people who run the media are aware of this, but not all of us who watch the news are Catholic, some of us aren't even Christian, and you can probably bet that the Jews, Muslims, Hindus and most definitely the atheists really don't give a holy crap if the leader of the Catholic church is here. And some of us (ahem, me) feel pretty uncomfortable having religion forced down our throats like this.

Needless to say, I am pissed that The Chris Matthews Show was pre-empted by the Pope, even though Matthews himself is probably super-psyched that he's here. But Chez Pazienza is funnier about it.

My future firstborn's namesake gets married.

2008-04-20T14:31:00.006-04:00

When being interviewed for a spot in an acting class, I was asked about a when I'd experienced the most joy. And I came up blank. But that weekend, I remembered that it had happened not too long ago - it was when the New York Giants won the Super Bowl. My dad was watching the Sports Illustrated DVD and it all came back to me. I remembered how incredibly happy I was during the playoffs to see the Giants completely upset the Dallas Cowboys, and then the Green Bay Packers, each in the respective weekends surrounding my 28th birthday. Then, with hardly anyone thinking it would happen (save for a few contrarians including my journalistic hero Keith Olbermann, see the video below), the Giants won the Super Bowl.

I swear, nothing in my life has made me happier than that moment, and it will take a hell of a lot to top it. I'm not even sure that even if I get married or have children (the latter of which I could still conceivably do without the former) that the pure joy and happiness I felt while watching Super Bowl XLII will be trumped. As someone who had a really crappy 2007, to watch the Giants, who started out rough and sure had their drawbacks, win the Super Bowl when NO ONE thought they would, it meant the world.

And this weekend, the Giants quarterback Eli Manning got married. Like I said, I'm not sure if this wedding tops winning the Super Bowl, but I'm sure he tells his new bride that she's totally the best thing about his life right now. No, really. But seriously, the very best wishes to the newlyweds!

And yes, I plan on naming my first son Eli. I hope whoever knocks me up is okay with that.

By the way, Keith: I so should have believed you. I will know better now. And please enjoy the 20/20 hindsight perspective on the other Super event that week, Super Tuesday. I'd talk about my other passion (politics) in this post, but I'm just too damn tired of it right now. It's why I'm acting again.

So I'm stupid and I'm gonna die.

2008-04-18T13:08:00.007-04:00

Yes, I am one of those people who always has a bottle of water with them, measuring out 64 oz. of water a day like some obssessive-compulsive freak. But now it seems like I've been pissing my life away. No, like actually pissing my life away, and possibly inviting carcinogens into the body I've been faithfully hydrating since high school.

This is not super recent, but here's the link to the CBS News story. And here's their bullshit-o-meter:

It cleans all the toxins in your body. FALSE: Apparently we have organs in our bodies called kidneys that take care of this. Who knew? I thought they were just for punching.
Your body weight divided by two - that's how many ounces you should be drinking. FALSE: They don't even know where this came from. I think Lewis Black does. He says once we had to buy water in bottles, that's when we had to drink as much as flingin'-flangin' possible.
It improves skin tone and prevents headaches. I'm calling shenanigans on this "falsehood," because if I don't drink water after drinking alcohol, my skin looks like hell and my head feels the same way. Did they mean in general? Oh.

But this is not all. The bottle I use to drink too much water is now allegedly going to give me cancer, make me fat (!) or wreck my baby-making parts:

Highly durable and lightweight, resistant to stains and odors, and able to withstand extremes of hot and cold, screw-cap Nalgene bottles are marketed as an environmentally responsible substitute for disposable water bottles.
Citing multiple studies in the United States, Europe and Japan, the chemicals industry maintains that polycarbonate bottles contain little BPA and leach traces considered too low to harm humans.
But critics point to an influx of animal studies linking low doses to a wide variety of ailments — from breast and prostate cancer, obesity and hyperactivity, to miscarriages and other reproductive failures.

Who are the anti-water ad wizards who came up with this one? Even worse, the apple I had today was crappy. It was a crapple. Booo...no good.

MySpace Greatest Hits: Why I'm Acting Again and an Addendum to the Last Post

2008-04-18T09:08:00.006-04:00

Since I said I've saved my best posts for MySpace until actively trying to maintain this one, I thought I'd put up a recent 'Space post explaining why I've returned to the out-of-work entertainment industry. I'd link, but my profile is private.

And in a previous post, I begged a certain actor on "Bones" to assure me via email that he would be returning for Season 4, and he totally did. (Woah!) Well, he didn't tell me anything, but he did email me. At the risk of spoilage, I won't say who it was or what my concerns were, but understandably, he could not tell me very much, since that would likely get him in a bit of trouble. But if you want to read the same spoilers I did, get thee to Searching Bones. (Though, to be honest, it was not because he read this blog and responded. No one reads this thing. Not even my mother.)

But here is that post from April 8th. Context: It was written after a lackluster performance by yours truly. The People's Improv Theater in NYC is where I have produced and performed sketch comedy (not as much as I'd like), either with other sketch groups or through classes with the unbelievably hilarious and talented Kevin Allison. The Girly Girl Burleskapades was a weekly show featuring a host and a few comedy-burlesque/burlesque-comedy acts. This was my post-mortem after I hosted April 4th. I'm glad I was wearing a wig.

So, okay - not hosting material

Well, my short run with the Girly Girl Burleskapades is over, at least in the capacity as host. Why? Because frankly, I wasn’t good at it. I don’t think I’d go so far to say I bombed, or even tanked, but I definitely sucked. And please, don’t think I’m going around bashing myself or that this is some sort of self-esteem thing, because I can rock it onstage, trust me. I just don’t like talking to audiences.

Part of what I love about performing onstage is the separate world created on the actual stage, where the audience gets to pry into the business of fictionalized people, and actors get to play out scenes in raw, real time. I’ve never had the chance to do a real, red-meat scene, where the emotions would get so flared up that I and everyone onstage, and in the audience, all feel so freaking awkward like we just found out something monumental and life-changing and all the blood rushed into our ears at the same time. That whole feeling of "Should I, um, leave?...Oh, I guess I can’t" gets kinda screwed for me if I have to depend on an audience for a response as opposed to someone off of whom I’m acting. I hope I’ll get to do that one day.

I’m not saying "fuck you, audience," but you really cramp my style if I have to acknowledge your existence while I’m doing my thing. Please, just sit back and watch, laugh, cry, feel moved or awkward, and all in the dark, while I do the things to make you feel that way under the hot, unnatural lighting. (Which, by the way, makes it easier for me not to see you. No offense, but that’s what’s cool.)

As for film and TV acting (this is to my friends who direct me in such things), I still love that too, and fully plan on doing that as I venture out into the crazy acting world again. (Like an idiot.) Because let’s face it, who doesn’t want a second chance to really nail a scene? I will not complain for a second about doing 60 takes of something if it means that the 59th take was perfect and we got a really good goof on the 60th. (Who doesn’t love outtakes? [Note: I know - I'm obsessed with bloopers. I'll write about that another day.] ) And Sean, Mike and Pete, if you’re reading this and thinking I’m full of shit because of the "Jamie-sure-is-pissy" Ghouligans shoot recently, trust me - I’d do it again.

And you can still do a "red-meat" scene on film. It can be edited to show nuances in reactions, or it can be one long "I’m-freaked-but-I-can’t-look-away-is-this-really-happening" single take. I hope I’ll get to do that too. Shoot, I hope I’ll get to write a scene like that one day.

So, this is my thing now - I’m going to try acting again. I’ve attained a low-key job so I can get out of the house and build up some funds, and hopefully I’ll be taking classes this summer. [Note: I will be taking those classes - this was written pre-interview.]

...

I’ll keep everyone posted on PIT goings-on, but I urge everyone who can to check the place out and see shows! It’s cheap, sometimes even free, and it’s all original comedy!

Do it!

I'm not ashamed that I watch American Idol.

2008-04-17T15:55:00.005-04:00

One of the reasons is because it would be worse to deny, rendering myself a liar. But the other reason is that it makes me think I'm a music expert, even though I'm clearly not. I have horrible taste in music, at least compared to people who have reached beyond Billy Joel, showtunes, Queen and Weezer. I like good music, but I'm by no means a music fan like all my buddies are. They follow actual "bands" and "artists," of whom I have never or barely heard.

Anyway, another reason I like "American Idol" is because there is almost always a guy on it who reminds me of a guy in my life, past or present. Chris Daughtry from a couple of seasons back reminds me of a guy with whom I'm friends now, but had the kind of relationship in which we got along better when we weren't talking. This season, David Hernandez, the former-now-most-likely-current male stripper, reminded me of a butch Jai Rodriguez, with whom I attended high school. Also, the prematurely eliminated Michael Johns looks like he could be the hot older brother of a guy I dated last year, and David Cook reminds me of another guy I met in college. I try to gauge how cool the last guy is based on Cook's most recent performance, so this week, he's looking pretty good.

This is all a bit silly, but I'm really just glad Kristy Lee Cook is finally gone. She's not annoying, she's not even untalented, but she's boring as hay and I freaking hate country music.

I read spoilers. Now my heart hurts.

2008-04-17T14:24:00.003-04:00

As usual, I was on Searching Bones reading about the perfect show, and I was stupid enough to read spoilers. I have mixed opinions on spoilers, and there are some shows for which I refuse to read them. (Like "24" - won't read them.) But I read "Bones" spoilers, and since I allowed myself to become ridiculously invested in every single character on that show, I got really emotional at my desk this morning upon reading one of them.

I won't repeat it here, I'll just direct you to the article in question. And if the actor in question wants to shoot me a really quick note to inform me of their status next season, that would be really swell...

OK, I'm really gonna try this now.

2008-04-16T13:37:00.003-04:00

Thus far, I've been saving some of my best material for MySpace, which should be a crime. But now that some dust has settled, I'm going to attempt to really write for this blog, make it something worth reading for people, and maybe - maybe - even endow it with a point.

Those of you who came here from the 'Space know that I've been obsessed with the show "Bones" lately. Here's why, and why I'm taking a break (of sorts) from being a news junkie.

I'd been unemployed for about a month since being fired on Valentine's Day by a NYC PR firm that takes its copywriting way too seriously. Naturally, I turned to my old standby for daily entertainment and information, the 24-hour cable news channel that is neither CNN nor Fox News, MSNBC. (You know, the other one.) What happened? I watched it all day. And it's primary season. Between the blogs (including the one on which I post, the Huffington Post) and MSNBC, I was really starting to believe that every word that came out of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and all of their supporters was pure, unadulterated evil, according to the punditocracy as well as Clinton, Obama, and all of their supporters. (John McCain, however, is somehow escaping unscathed. Keep working on that, Dan Abrams.)

After I felt like I was burst a blood vessel one early afternoon, I finally relented and watched the DVDs for the first two seasons of "Bones." And the love affair began. Next thing I know, I'm calling it the most perfect show on television. You will have to follow the link to read for yourself why I feel so strongly.

But I plan on posting a "Bones"-related blog every week, after each episode airs, whether it's new or a rerun, because I like it too much not to. And I like it so much that you need to know about it to, and I will tell you exactly why I like it so much.

I will also be posting a "Bones"-inspired feature called "I don't know what that means," a line said by Emily Deschanel's character more often in the first season, but no so much anymore. Her character, Dr. Temperence Brennan (aka "Bones"), is smart, but kind of unaware of pop culture references. Since I'm a news junkie more than anything, some aspects of pop culture have eluded me. Like I don't know who the hell is at any of the MTV awards shows anymore. And I'm 28, but I guess that's old?

So hopefully this blog won't suck for very long.

The New Flummoxology

2008-03-04T16:36:00.004-05:00

So, all one of you (me included) who knew about this blog noticed that I have taken all the previous posts down and started all over again. Don't fret - most of them can actually be read here, in more prestigious blog space.

I'm gonna kick off Flummoxology with something for the boys - and the ladies! In this first installment of "American Idol"-ology I am thrilled to say that the ex-gay-stripper (don't know if he's an actual "ex-gay" or merely a former stripper with gay clientèle) David Hernandez will not be kicked off the show. (By the way, his former employer, Dick's Cabaret, is hiring.) It should be said that unlike last year's David Hernandez, Antonella Barba, this year's David Hernandez has sung well in past performances, though notsomuch tonight. Performance anxiety? Feeling objectified like a piece of meat? S'okay. He's proven himself as a singer, and he should definitely be able to compete. It's silly to think that people pursuing a musical career haven't tried unconventional ways to earn money on the side, and in my humble opinion, I really don't care what they do, unless they're selling drugs to children or throwing puppies off cliffs (by the way, man, awesome way to guarantee a sex-filled welcome home...).

Former Gov. Mike Huckabee is finally realizing that math trumps miracles. Honestly? I liked Mike Huckabee. I'd never cast a vote for him, and I won't link to any sites endorsing him for anything besides "author" or "cameo appearance," but I like how he stood by, damnit, until Sen. John McCain had all those crazy delegates. And I thought he was funny on Saturday Night Live. I think he should be on again. I may be a hardcore liberal Democrat, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a funny guy in spite of our many, many, many serious disagreements.

As for my take on the Democratic candidates, my Senator from New York Hillary Clinton and the Senator from Illinois Barack Obama? I'm totally bi for those cats, as far as their policies go. I think Obama needs to give us some more and show he's ready to attack the GOP. However, I also think that Clinton's negative campaign against Obama (rather than, oh, I don't know, the other party) is a cheap, cheap idea, even though it probably won her Ohio tonight. This makes me lean toward Obama. So does the "I'm gonna scare the shit out of you like the Republicans did in 2004" tactic. And this is inexcusable:

"I think that I have a lifetime of experience that I will bring to the White House. Senator John McCain has a lifetime of experience that he will bring to the White House. And Senator Obama has a speech he gave in 2002."

Bob Cesca is live-blogging on "The Huffington Post" and rightly asks:

How is this helping anyone except Senator McCain?

Way to unite the Democratic party.